the bird

Tuesday, 22 March 2005 T: 21 45

Reduced to a sheet of paper before me, the world seems so huge in compared to the minute island of Singapore. Right in that island, there are thousands of households, flats, terraces, bungalows, condominium, and this is just a microscopic fraction of the world map. There are thousands of trees, millions in the world. Yet it chose my flat. I’m just damn fortunate.

Right in my balcony of my flat on my six-flat, two flowerpots hang from the ceiling. The flowers are of course artificial. (My family has no time attending to real ones.) Below one of them dangles a mass of twigs, small pieces of barks, neatly assembled and meticulously built to form a nest. It resembles a ball, suspended in the air by silvery silky thread-like substances attached to the drooping fake branches. One of the sides (the one facing the sky) has a hole (that side still has a ‘wall’ but it is shorter), and upon closer scrutiny, one could see the small yet cosy living quarters of the hummingbird lied with the same silky and soft substance.

Often it flies about, cautious and timid as usual. Some time in the day, it will go to its nest to rest, to sleep. It looks so at peace when it sleeps, totally oblivious to the surroundings (unless of course there is an earthquake – usually caused by a person shaking his nest), with its long beak somehow supported by the ‘wall’, its eyes wide open. But it is asleep. No noise seems able to wake him up. It is about the size of a robin, perhaps slightly larger, brown in colour, with a yellow bottom, a long thin beak for sucking nectar I suppose.

I try not to disturb him when he’s asleep, since I wish to be a good host. I hope that my place will provide rest for him after a day of flying and drinking. Haha.

tnyf 2

Sunday, 20 March 2005
This entry is a continuation of the writing about YF I’ve made earlier. After some self-reflection, I fear that people may misunderstand my words, and so I decided to write another to clarify.
No, I’m not criticising the youths for leaving YF, especially when they feel that they aren’t growing spiritually in Christ. (The reason is probably due to the presence of the weaker-faith Christians) Pastor Chris himself it is perfect rationale when one decide to change church if he feels that his faith will grow stronger there. This reason is not at all a lame excuse. Rather, I am more concerned with the other issues.
YF has been for me helpful in my spiritual walk. Fellowship with fellow Christians and constant BS (which often brought about self-reflection) have influenced my life as a creation of God. I am worried that if people leave YF, they may lose that fellowship and good peer influence that they need, which is why having a church is so important – for edification. Some chose to skip YF and attend service instead. Is this enough? I doubt so, which is why I am glad that one of them decides to join a youth group in another church. Another two early leavers left for PUNJ and probably got their own DGs, so at least it is certain that they won’t backslide too much.
I am always encouraged in PUNJ when we actually gather and start discussing about God-related issues. My batch of J1s, I would like to think, are probably those who are stronger in faith as compared to some of the youths. (I’m not boasting). Our presence in YF last year probably can exert some positive influence towards Godliness. Now with us graduated, and the stronger one intending to leave, this peer encouragement is reduced. Is YF going to be thus in a continual state of decline?
It started with two. Soon, the list snowballed and expanded to include more. Some, as I have mentioned, knew the importance of having a DG besides attending service. They joined PUNJ under this knowledge. But the problem is that the weaker youths receive the wrong message. They skipped YF to play, skipped it using the reason that the others give, but this time, the same reason has become an excuse. When the first few started leaving YF, one could feel morale rapidly in a state of decline. Therefore, I wonder, if this leaving of YF is responsible and loving to the others? I find that difficult to answer. If personal growth jeopardise faith of others, then which comes first?
Similarly, in our blogging, when we blog about our discouragements from attending YF, the readers will be very much affected by them. The weaker ones again will see this in a new light. Yes it is one’s own blog and diary. But as Christians, is this loving and responsible to fellow brothers and sisters? (Sermon of the mount) I would not think so.
Well, those who leave YF can go PUNJ, it is argued. PUNJ should not close the doors to those under-aged fellows. If PUNJ accept these youths, surely the number will get bigger and soon, the same problem faced will arise again, except that this time it will be in PUNJ. Is this a vicious cycle? Perhaps not that much… since there are more mature Christians like Li Chuan and Paul. But there will be one nonetheless.
Just a few points I would like to highlight…

responsible writing

Thursday, 17 March 2005 T: 23 24 Blogging.

With the advent of improved satellite technology, access to the Internet has become convenient and efficient. Perhaps this has brought about the current fad of blogging. I was quite surprised to know that there are so many people around me who kept online journals, even the older ones. Professors too write blogs on latest research and development. In the latest issue of Newsweek, it is reported that some of the blogs have been sold as books.

I enjoy reading the opinions of others, looking through the entries, sometimes amused by their recounts of their own lives, sometimes impressed by their wisdom displayed through their writings, at other times touched and moved. These entries I will keep of course, perhaps with the thought that I’ll have recreational fun perusing them 10 years down the road.

For myself, I keep a blog as well. Through it I hope, I can inspire and perhaps even influence my readers. I have my own diary apart from my blog. In it contains the more detailed descriptions of my life – entertainment for me when I’m finally a senior citizen. I never comprehend the idea of writing blog so personal and it must be password secured to disallow others from reading. With the many hacking devices, I see not the significance of doing so. To me, any writing on the Internet is for public’s viewing. Then again, it’s up to the writer to decide.

“The pen is mightier by the sword” is a very common proverb that is so true. We see this everyday in our high courts, debates, and even in our parliaments. The writer, with his words, is therefore capable of influence and propaganda, persuading the readers of his opinions, selling his views to them and ‘psyco’ them through words.

Blogging (writing online diaries) may be good for it grants deeper understanding from friends. Somehow, it will deepen friendships, perhaps even beginning one. Yet it can too be a vector for spreading rumours, gossip and influence. It is brilliant if the contents of the blog inspire, but like any other compositions it can too mislead, like deterring fellow Christians from their faith, causing them to stumble in their pursuit of life under God.

Often I come across entries proclaiming, “This is my blog, I can write whatever I want.” Is this the case? I would like to point out that blogging is very unlike diary writing, where we can jot down anything, but rather, it is more like penning novels and essays (since there is an audience) and therefore we must always exercise responsibility and caution when we write i.e. we do not wish to be negative influence.

I remember reading a Bookworm short story. In it, a character wrote about many flaws in the people around us. She did not mention names, but the friends around her know exactly that she’s writing about them. They are amused naturally by the exaggerated imperfections of peers and friends, but like normal human beings, they are upset when they came across their own blemishes. Sure, the essay generates interest in the form of amusement and humour. Yet, being gossip, it is simply gossip. Similarly, as Christian writers or writers with a conscience, we must be answerable to what we write.

I do admit my opinions on marriage may not be very right, and is flawed. I can imagine the extinction of the homo sapiens should I persuade everyone under the Sun.

tnyf

Tuesday, 15 March 2005 T: 11 32 YF.

I’ve joined YF in June 2001, walking in a desultory fashion in the hotel, in total obsession with my game devices. Perhaps God found me, and led me to YF, where I spend the next 3 and half years growing in my faith. I’ve joined Y Com about a year later, volunteering my services, with the sole aim to make YF a better place. When I left in November 2004, is it with regrets or gratification? Is YF a better place?

Recently, it seems that more and more are leaving YF. It started with two, but soon the group grows bigger. I’ve heard voices of discouragement, even from my brother. Skipping YF becomes a novelty; something that one is glad of. Have I really left YF a better place, or rather, has YG grown over the years? Depressed and dismal over the current circumstance, it seems I am powerless to do anything.

It started with Leo’s guitar. Soon, we have a band. Yet is YF a better place? If the measurement of the progress of the church is by the Christ-centeredness, then ostensibly it is not.

I’ve heard countless reasons for the growing apathy and decreasing zeal and enthusiasm. ‘Childishness and immaturity of fellow brothers have not enabled one to grow spiritually.’ ‘Recreational fun has come to a halt.’ ‘The boring teachings of the youth leaders’. These three sums up most of reasons I’ve heard.

It voices down to the purpose of YF at the end of the day. Is it to generate fun? Is it to relieve stress? It is simply a church, and the purpose of every church should be edification and glorification of God.

I have considered myself a Christian, and yet I often wonder what set me apart from non-believers? Is it only the last line of my prayers – ‘in the name of Jesus I pray, Amen’? I wish to challenge every Christian to think along these lines. I hope that youths will not quit in discouragement and resignation, but instead to teach and admonish those youths with weaker faith.

Also, to all who are serving God in the YF, be it in the areas of music, logistics or recreation, I pray for you to persevere and not falter in despair and exhaustion. Remember that it is God you are serving at the end of the day, and it is always wise to store up treasures in heaven. To those in jobs that requires more leadership, I pray for your patience in tolerating irresponsibility and immaturity in a certain lot, pray for your persistence in continuing chasing after youths (though I would advise you to exclude those who are not at all interested). Remember that even in the church’s office, Lin Choo still has to chase people for schedules, even pastors for submitting sermons’ points for printing! Therefore, be encouraged, be prayerful and yar, remain faithful.

On family

Sunday, 13 March 2005T: 20 21

Several weeks ago, I was watching a movie titled ‘Cheaper by the Dozen’. A comedy, it shows a couple’s ambition and struggle to bring up 12 children of their own. No kidding. MediaCorp would love to screen it. Why would any couple wants so many kids anyway? Often I find myself amused with the paternal and maternal instinct of friends displayed as they exclaim their cries of adoration for the babies. Irritating chaps they are, annoying and ear deafening when they wail, anger triggering and devastating in their antics of mischief. Indeed, I’m not exactly an enthusiast in rasing (there is an author who describes it as rearing) children. No Family. This is my determined yet selfish motto.

Yet I could not explain the dread of imminent loneliness in the next 30 to 40 years, the void in my heart I know I would feel as I gaze at the other blissful couples. In all my affluence that I possess, I picture, I would still remain tormented by the empty house upon reaching home, the vacant and depressingly neatness of the huge poster bed, the empty seat besides me on the first class deck of the air plane in my future travels and endeavours. Will I die a lonely man? Will my demise be any significant?

Perhaps there need not be ‘skepticalism’ about boy-girl relationships, about marriages. If God is love, then God has made Man to love as well. God has made men and women to be companions for each other. It’s natural for each and everyone of us to seek company. Besides, further influence from the media as well as curiosity for the powers of romance has created chemistry that each man and woman seek to experience. The words from 1 Corinthians about love say it all beautifully and perfectly. Perhaps to certain people, a moment of happiness is worth permanent scars and pain.

To some, I would deem the prospect of family a future pecuniary liability that I could not afford. To another lot, I consider it impossible due to a total lack of personal commitment. To the others, I have suggested Paul’s words as an excuse. Yet somehow, maybe the basis for the rejection is inconfidence, inconfidence in rasing my children to adults, inconfidence in eternal love for the other half, inconfidence in the length of my life. My father has left me when I was just a kid, leaving my mother all alone. I could not bear the idea of leaving anybody fatherless, leaving my wife a widow. I have an intuition that God may take me earlier than most expected. I would rather die a lonely man, than one with endless regrets and incompleteness.

Our lives are like paths that we gradually walk along. Sometimes they intersect and we find friends who we can confide in. In other circumstances, two paths may merge and we find ourselves a partner. Sadly though, the merged path may come in a T-junctions where there will be separations, pain and hurt. In most cases, there will be obstacles, which need to be conquered. Yet whether they are long or short, tedious or not, they still end up in the same destination – death. Often I look at the dark sky at night, marvelling at the works of the Creator – the stars and the moon, hoping to catch a glimpse of heaven up above, where I hope I’ll end up in. I long to be with the Lord, who loves me, whom I love.

I tried to vision the path ahead of me. Go as far as I can see, I am told. And when I got there, I’ll always be able to see further, at least till I see the end. My heart is with my Lord, my God, Deliverer and Saviour, whether I’ll no longer sin, but to be able to be close to the Maker and His son. My future remains unclear, yet I find solace and peace in my salvation. Whether I’ll be attached in the distant future, I’m not sure. Yet He knows… He knows…

I’ll end this entry with a song by Sarah Hwee, a talented, God fearing, God loving and delicated singer. Do take a moment to look at the lyrics.

Save me.
I live a plain and boring life
I work all day and I spend my nights
With friends and conversation
Of me, myself and the television.

I try my darndest to be nice
Don’t eat meat, won’t harm a fly
And early Sunday mornings
I make my way to church

I used to think
If I just would
Try real hard
Then I could get to heaven

So this all there is to life
Just killing time between hi and bye
A somewhat empty pattern
We follow till we die
Can we fly to heaven
Our rockets are trapped in the universe
Can all our revolutions ever bring us peace?

Save me from my quest for a deeper meaning
Save me from that certain unknown after I’m dead and I’m gone
Save me from hurting the ones I love
How can I be good enough for heaven
When I cannot even save myself from me

If God made this world
Would He just stand and watch it die
In the hands of man whose true intent and inclination
Are shown in what we’ve done
We cheat we lie
Our wars don’t end
I think the worst of my best friends
I’m trapped by nature
Bound for failure
I need a saviour

Save me from a terrible fearful eternity
Save me from my just rewards
I’ve forgotten the God
Who gave me my heart my soul my strength
I’m in no position to ask for His heaven
I need God himself to save me please.
Save me.

A quitter or stayer?

Friday, 11 March 2005 T: 12 06

As part of curiosity, I often ask some of my more intellectual friends, “If given a choice, will you choose to emigrate to other countries? If the answer is a yes, where on earth will you go?” As what the present Senior Minister had put it in a more insulting manner, “Are you a quitter or stayer?” When it becomes my turn to answer that question, I would take the former choice, but somehow, I’m still searching for an answer.

Men are thought to be more patriotic people, loyal to the country, and several years living in the same place will develop feelings and so-called sense of belonging. Women on the other hand are more family-loyal and thus patriotism is kept to a minimum. (In my opinion) For me, a guy, I guess living in a cosmopolitan society has influenced my thinking.

Perhaps the grass on the other side is always greener.

Yet somehow, I guess I have also got used to the hectic life in Singapore. If you were to ask me to relax, I may die of boredom. I hate stoning, sitting there doing nothing. But is life in Singapore too stressful? Well, people still live to an old age in Singapore.

There is not much nature here to look at. I guess I’ve gotten used to the sights of towering buildings and the concrete jungle, used to the complete organization of the nation – even the trees are in rows neatly arranged.

What then deters me from being a stayer?

For one thing, the weather. I love the dry weather of New Zealand, the cool feeling of running for 5km and not getting your clothes completely drenched, the dry weather that seems to negate the warmest temperature. Only bad thing is the drying out of lips. In worse cases, the skin split etc. But lip gloss will do the trick.

Secondly, the government. I’ve known a fair share of die-hard PAP fans, ‘psycoed’ by the social studies textbook. But I suppose I’m quite anti-government. I can’t stand the notion of having a one-party country. If there is another one, I don’t even know the name of it!

To me, there is seemly no point of indirect democracy. What happens if the government makes weird and disastrous policies? Is there anything the people can do besides waiting for the next General Election. Take the casino debate for e.g. The people has responded negatively to the government about the construction of the casino in Singapore. The churches, mosques, temples have all displayed disapproval. Yet the government pay no heed to the advice of the public, shrugs off the comments with a reply “You have elected us. It’s up to us to decide.” To them, economic growth and revenues is the most important. Fragility of the society is at stake. Besides, why the hell the pictures of the president and the first lady are placed all over Singapore, but they seem totally useless and powerless in making the decisions affecting the nation? I prefer American style of government.

We are known to be a republic. Are we? I seriously doubt so. It’s more like monarchy to me, the way the Lee family seem to hold the major posts in Singapore. Since independence, Singapore has only three prime ministers. Of these, two are lees and do you know they are father and son? Malaysian ex-prime minister is criticised for reluctance in handing over leadership to the next generation. But hey, Singapore first prime minister is still in the cabinet. To reduce criticism, he has called himself the Minister Mentor. Of course he’s mentoring his son! Temasek Holdings, the multi-national co-operation in Singapore, probably the most influential company in the country is linked to the government as well. Note that the CEO is our current Prime Minister’s wife. Besides, head of MediaCorp, communication services Starhub and Singtel are either friends of the Lees or relatives! Together they help to spread government propaganda. Take our TV Chinese serials. Every one just seems to have some coda or brainwashing tool. (Main reason why I prefer HongKong shows). So much for democracy… Then again, I guess every government of countries are corrupt in one way or two. If I am Lee Hsien Long’s (Prime minister) son, I’ll sure go into politics…

If you were a citizen of Singapore, will you be a quitter or stayer?

a peek of 2001

Thursday, 10 March 2005 T: 13 26

Stuck in the house with nothing to do (besides lamenting over my lost wallet and crying out of boredom), I began reading my diary, the entries I have written in 2001. I was almost horrified to see the presence of vulgarities in it, surprised with the pathetic language skills I possessed then, amazed with the fact that all my entries seem to contain a girl’s name. (lol) ‘Wen Shi Jian Qing Wei He Wu?’ (What is love, what is romance?) Perhaps it's not easy to explain infatuation, the concept and mysterious hormonal chemistry that causes the phenomenon of love at first sight. You will just know it when it hits you. Anyway, I realise I am insanely childish at the age of 13. But hey, can loyalty to love be considered as maturity? Haha

Abstract taken from diary of Nov 2001

27 August

I’ve got a lot of news to write. Firstly, my results are quite pleasant. Secondly, I’ve just got Midtown Madness 2. Though happy for the above two, I can’t help thinking if ___ is by my side, my elatefulness will be more complete……………..

28 August

Hi John! It’s been a long time. On MSN now, how I wish that ____ was chatting with me instead of that parasite. I’m desperate now, yeah, teacher’s day. How am I going to face Miss Phua I dunno, but I do know tat I find her my best teacher ever!!!!!!!!

*_____ is the name of the girl.

*the rest of the entries are something like that too.

And now, being regarded as mature and grown up, I wish I could turn back in time to the days when I’m in primary schools, the days when Power Rangers are my idols and gods. Till now, I could still call the names of the five rangers. Vaguely, I remember how tens of pupils stumble across the basketball court everyday, chasing after a bottlecap. I could still recollect the times when we play Chinese Chess, each time in supplication for the carelessness on the opponent’s part and to us, the game can only be ended using two methods – shuang pao jiang and shuang che jiang.

In a blink of an eye, I am seventeen. Life seems so much more complicated and complex. Even a chess game requires so much careful thinking, tactical strategies and carelessness is something that is seldom present in our games. Sometimes, it’s so much being a kid, being young again, without much health problems or concerns.

Life is so much like a game of international chess, isn’t it? In the first 25 years, we study and learn, creating a foundation, in preparation for the working life of an adult (just like the early game of chess, in which development of pieces take place). Soon, we approach the mid game, where we use tactics and strategy to achieve and gain a greater advantage. At last, after our retirement, the end game, with very limited choices left, we move on and see for ourselves whether we win or lose in life. Ironically though, death seems to be both the prize and the forfeit.

Right, off I go to read Diary 2002!

On bgr and marriage

I have perused hundreds of blogs related to boy-girl relationships, heard countless recounts of romance, even on TV, I grew up being influenced so much by the Chinese serials and considered falling for a person at the age of 7. I got envious upon looking at intimate couples, felt a void and emptiness I could not explained. I got jealous as I heard the people around me experiencing such relationships. Fantasies begin, and I find myself slipping into a reverie more and more frequently.

I could not justify my enviousness and jealousy at all. What is in the idea of such relationships that attract me so much to it? What is in a fantasy of having a partner that at times drove me insane? Is it so that I have the ability to boast? I seem not able to find an answer. I have friends who share such relationships with others, but sooner or later they are going to break up. There will be the shedding of tears, the exchange of angry verbal abuse. Is a moment of delusional happiness worthy of the permanent emotional scar?

Infatuations accompany all the way from the age of 7 to even the present age of 17. Ten years seem not taught me that infatuations are just temporary states of mind and are an absolute waste of time. I told myself that the pursuit of such dreams are as pointless, a chasing after the wind, persuaded myself that I am not one who is willing to commit. And if the sole purpose of dates should as the paths to marriage, all the more (because of the wish to remain single) I should abstain myself from such thoughts.

In a most recent Chinese serial, it describes show people should juggle well between careers and family lives, and the abandonment of relationships for the sake of careers will eventually lead to regrets and lamentations. Again, this is a fine example of government propaganda for increasing birth rate. (That’s why I hate watching MediaCorp shows so much) I can’t help but wonder, what is the point of marriage?

Over time, I have heard of couples, married but each wanted to concentrate on careers and kids are definitely a no-no. What is the point of marriage of them too? Being a Christian, I wonder if marriage is simply just an entry to sex. (Since God forbids pre-marital sex) And if a couple should reject the idea of having children, all the more there is simply no point to marriage. If marriage is just about two people enjoying each other’s company, then why can’t they stay unmarried? At least if things go badly (as time always seem to prove), they can still break up. To me, marriage seems to be a gateway to more sin.

As Christians, what better way to spend our life than to remain single and continue to do God’s words? Is marriage, as Paul has suggested in his letters, done because people in the sex-deprived state will commit greater sin. And therefore, if people could withhold the temptation, is remaining single a better option?

As for all my infatuations and fantasies, they are simply the result of peer and media influence. At the moment, my education should come first. In future, I have my career, God’s works to consider about. Besides, if I have difficulty trying to be sinless in my own life, why the hell would I consider marriage, the probability of ruining another’s life?

By the way, the government hates people like who rather remains single. Haha.

And also, I should consider deleting ‘Fallen’ – the result of infatuations and fantasies. Haha.

the beauty of life!

“Fire, water, wood, air!” These are some of the elements recognised by the ancient witchdoctors, scientists of the past. Man has progressed. We have reduced the things around us from objects to raw materials, to compounds, to elements, to molecules, to atoms. Even atoms, we have discovered, is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons, differentiated by simply the numbers and structures of these smallest particles known in the world today.

When I studied this in Secondary School, in my Chemisty class, my Biology class, I was astounded – not at the ‘miracles of technology’ Man has created, but at the miracles of life perhaps God has created. How does these small particles, non-living things as they are, gather to form life itself? How is it possible that these lifeless charges amass to form cells – the simplest form of life? How do cells interact to form organisms, and eventually Man himself?

Our Science has answered a lot of our ‘how’ questions (how cells interact, or bonds formation leading to the various phenomenon etc) but Science fails to answer the most fundamental question ‘how does life come about?’. Science does not wish to acknowledge the presence of the Supernatural, denying the existence of God. Yet, past research and hypothesis about Genesis, like the Big Bang theory, have suggested the necessity of an immense source of energy. Why does this come from?

Dan Brown, the author who blasphemes about Christianity in Da Vinci Code, did write a concept brilliant in Angels and Demons, that science should work to prove there is a God. (At times, I really do am curious about his beliefs.)

We all have a desire to live. Animals adapt to new environments that ensure their survival. Plants too reproduce to form more and more species to reduce chances of extinction. Yet I can’t help but wonder if the most fundamental of life itself (that is cells) has this so-called survival instinct. Some seem to be formed to die (like our keratin, cellulose etc.). And together with the living cells, they made up us. Isn’t that extraordinary?

The evolution theory, as began by Charles Darwin. I feel perhaps insulted that I originated from an ape. What abstract ideas and rubbish Man can come up with to reject God at times! The apes that we know about today are not even the top 3 most intelligent. If the evolution theory is to be accepted, I wonder why on earth apes do not evolve (for the sake of survival and all that crap). I wonder why we are smarter than animals with both bigger brains and minute brains.

Looking at the Mangrove habitat in the few nature reserves in Singapore, observing and admiring the birds of the sky, fascinating myself with the insects and animals of the wild, I am certain of the beauty of life. This surely does not come by chance. I believe that there is a Creator, one who is perfect and impeccable, one who has the capability to create something so full of beauty and wonders. If I ever make it to heaven, I don’t think I have any idea how to face Him, He who is omnipotent and omniscience, who Himself is just perfection.

on education and ambitions

Tuesday, 1 March 2005 T: 13 45

A while ago, I was disconcerted with the NIE advertisement that appeared in my mailbox several weeks ago. Rumours had it that recipients of that letter would attain an ‘O’ level pass of around 17 points. Naturally, anxiety and perturbation got the better of my rationale. I tried means and ways to escape from the haunting reality. (at least until I get my results yesterday) I complained and grumbled, gradually overwhelmed by hopelessness. Yet in the midst of this period of distress, I suddenly found peace in the sovereignty of God, found consolation in the same words that Jesus prayed at the garden of Gethesamane – “Not my will, but yours be done”. Thou wilt show me the way. Perhaps I am blinded in the hunger for victory and success to see the greater picture. Where does God want me to go?

Presently, I am contented with the revelation of my grades. It is not the impeccable six that many strived for. Just a ten. Nevertheless, I am gratified and elated when I knew my results. (Of course, I do am disturbed with my B3 in English. It seems to suggest the destruction of this blog.) I prayed to God more earnestly over the past few days (funny how prayers only take place when there are requests), more in response to the bit of wisdom imparted to me, that I will work hard in spite of whatever I’ll get, with His help, to be diligent and studious. And now, I know very well that it does not matter whether I end up in VJ or ACJ. Both are excellent institutes anyway. The courage of making such a promise on one hand comes from God, yet I can’t help but wonder it came from the realisation of my ambition.

Less than a year ago, I always prefer to take one day at a time. Thinking far seems a waste of time, since it’ll lead to death eventually anyway. Astonishingly, it is just an acquaintance who brainwashed me of such a thought, not my mother, not even one who I have great respect for, just someone more than a stranger on the street. I guess I began working out what I really want to do when I grow up, even though there is a likelihood that it’ll never be fulfilled, but at least it gives me a target and finishing line that I must run to. So, I set out to consider the several professions in society.

The professional liars? No, public speaking is never my forte. Further, the notion of the probability of defending a guilty party such that he is acquitted does not at all justify my duties and faith as a Christian.

Politics? I wouldn’t yearn to be a second Dr Chee. (Ironically, my surname is Chee also.) And the idea of being a civil servant (lackey?) does not appeal to me. Together with the country’s type of governance – indirect democracy an d perhaps mornachy, I know I would never want to be in the dangerous world of politics.

As for surgery, I am known for my clumsiness. A slice of the heart instead of the lungs would cost me my job and as well as the life of an innocent.

I was walking down the street yesterday after a few hours of Lanning. Once again, I saw the fat black cat (with white patches of fur). There was a man (doesn’t looks Singaporean) playing with her. I was slightly shocked to see him touching her paws and even put his fingers in her mouth. He did not at all flinch, and he remained unhurt. In normal circumstances, I would never talked to a stranger, yet curiosity of this animal-lover got the better of me. I thought I learn a lot in the 5 min talk with him. Many people feared animals, be it dogs or cats. They feared their bites and claws. They also failed to understand them. Just like the incident of Stanley and the cat, she is just being playful and knows how to keep her claws. When she bite, she used her small teeth that do no damage at all. It is then I know my fears at time were uncalled for.

“You understand animals very well huh?” I asked.

“If we don’t understand animals, how do we understand men? Men are just something more than animals, except that they kill each other,” he replied.

How ironic indeed! Men would love to consider themselves, in all their pride and arrogance, to be the rulers and kings of the world, way above the beasts and the birds. And there they are, angered of the threats that the wild beasts displayed, furious at the few lives of their own that the beasts have taken, when in actual fact they took the lives of thousands of beasts and birds, and worse of all, they are their own predators and prey! The beasts of the wild kill for food, for survival. The beasts of the cities kill for decoration, for ornaments, for vengeance, for recreation. They torture, torment their captives. Eating monkey brain out of a live monkey! Such atrocities!

No, I do not wish to spend the entire of my life serving men. I shall be a vet, I shall study zoology, I shall understand animals, know their peaceful and gentle ways.