giving and receiving

Sunday, January 22, 2006

I had walked into my first class of the year with a certain initial biasness which I now view unfair very much unfair to the teacher. It have made me realize the lack of reliability of one-sided accounts, especially that of victims. Perhaps it is now I realize how the subject Social Studies/History in high school can be of value in our day-to-day living. I never did conceive that very day that he will be the first teacher to point out problems in our class, and attempt to spur cohesion and unity. Through his sharing of his speculations of an observer, he ignited the hopes and wishes once again of several students, though mine seem to be a mixture of thoughts which revolves more towards the philosophical and ‘theoretical’ aspect that seems capable of describing and explaining the situation of the class probably typical across the school (though this I guess seems to be a baseless generalization).

It might have raised an outrage if I were to say I seem contented with the way things are. I don’t consider it apathy, since it’s not really I give no two hoots about the class, but on the other hand continue my ministry of service to what that is asked of me, though at times I admit with reluctance, yet this is what my belief entails. I still struggling to find a balance between being a ‘door-mat’ to an ‘advocate of peace’, between being stepped over to just being a Christian. To do the latter is difficult, if not impossible, what’s more the journey to find that true ideal balance. For now, I would say my position in my class isn’t that problematic, but rather it’s MRC. Anyway, coming back to the class affairs, I do feel that the presence of cliques is very much a nature of any human society. It is, I feel, within the natural human instinct/psychology, to be grouped accidentally and unintentionally by interests, and it is too human self-centeredness to remain in that comfort zone. I admire those who never give up trying to reach out in all directions, since I am an introvert who is pretty much resigned after trying, and thus focusing only my feeble attempts on people who are really outcasts – and who aren’t girls (not that I’m a sexist or wrongly sexually oriented). The presence of cliques is a phenomenon but not a rarity at all. Currently, the class seems divided into four, with each somehow being in one of them at least. For me, it doesn’t really seem that bad, and interestingly, I don’t really see the constant concern and anxiety over it, saved for rebuking those who always expressed complete disinterest. Perhaps it’s just me…

I find however disconcerting of the presence of constant gossip and backstabbing. Gossip about a complete stranger, though wrong and foolish and usually highly superficial, can be tolerated, though wrong all the same (we live in a screwed up world). It is that constant talking about a friend behind his back (not praises mind you but criticisms and complains) which begins getting on my nerve and the interchangeable dual personalities (maybe even triple) that is my concern, especially when such occurs in one that proclaims himself Christian. Maybe this is why a senior pointed out the hypocriticism of Christianity in this institute, and I find myself reluctantly gradually believing that this is so. Even for myself, I don’t doubt that I have conformed myself to peer pressure at times, and thankfully, the aftermath has always been at least a reflection of horror. It is not hard to imagine why my top priority is not to be just a person inundated with Christian theology and intellectualism.

If you really ask in full detail of what my true hope for my classmates would be, I don’t think it’s really the near impossible of expansion and merger of cliques to form the major one of 23. It is one of my wishes, but definitely not on the top of my list. Rather, it is the hope that superficiality can be removed, tolerance can be increased. By tolerance, I do not mean bearing in suffering, agony and pain, but forgiving in understanding and knowledge that each is different. Maybe in time to come, this circle can come to include teachers, though the hatred of one or two is very much etched within the souls of several. It is my also my dream to see gossip removed, and frankness instilled. By frankness, I do not mean bluntness, but tactful and useful criticism for edification, though that is a very thin line to draw across.

In conclusion, through the months I have spent in this college, I have realized the immense numbers of Christians around me, at least people proclaiming to be one. It is sad knowing that these numbers do not seem to mean anything. It is depressing knowing that churches have not fully taught probably the meaning of Christianity. The citizenship in the kingdom of God calls for a radical living. Yet, it is dismal to note that there are non-Christians in the school very much give a shut-ear to the gospel when they look at their fellow schoolmates who pronounced themselves servants of the gospel…