the good life

Sunday, 28 August 2005 T: 00 16

And so, it’s the start of a new day once more, and as quickly as it has come, the month of August is coming to the end. August 9, the national day, seem just yesterday. Somehow, in my entire life, I never knew my schedule could be this tight, never knew time can be such a ultimate limit and boundary, something Man probably can never step across…

Waiting for my army to return so that I can send them out again, I guess my interest in Utopia has revived, and hopefully it lasts enough. Somehow, the good thing is that it grants me an excuse and a reason for writing this entry. So, perhaps I do a short over view of the month.

School has been busy, a juggling of time between school work and project work out of the little homework time I’ve set aside for myself. Even then, I know it’s not enough. I’ll need my weekend to finish my revision and work, especially now that promos is nearing, looming large and close. Already, pressure is building, tension is increasing, without much help from teachers like Joogal who bat a home run every lesson – “you have another 40 days more…” I find myself pushing myself too, bit by bit, perhaps in desperation to get my As, to beat others at the very least. Ironically, even though our class may not be a good class in terms of relationships and unity, morale is relatively high, and by the principal’s definition of good, this is definitely a good sign of a good class. Guess it’s all a matter of perspective.

Gradually, I got used to my post as the Vice-Pres, though I’m still rather slack, though there’s still plenty I’m ignorant about and have yet to learn. Slowly, I find myself begin to earn the likes of others around me, despite starting out terribly in the first semester. I still do enjoy jacking others, teasing others, annoying others, but oh well… come to think of it, I do have the lion’s share of the patience of others. Haha. I do enjoy the company that I have though, though maybe still being look on as weird, queer, with peculiar habits, yet somehow interesting. What do the others truly think of me? I think I’ve yet to know; I think I won’t bother finding out though… haha. Oh, let them think what they want! This, after all, is a post-modern age!

Of course, I’m still kinda hopeful that I win the trust of some people, especially her. Dreams, though just dreams, provide the motivation for perseverance. Wishful thinking, though empty and useless, provide the relaxation, holiday, break that many seeks in a stressful thinking. I’ll continue to look at her, watch her, like a stalker perhaps, though not exactly, since she knows me, since perhaps there is a chance that she knows I’ve feelings for her, or that I’m observing her. I’ll continue to admire the beauty, that sweetness and prettiness I’ll never see in others, but like all transient objects, things, that physical beauty will never withstand the test of time. Soon, it’ll pass, and I guess what happens next is the mark of the Christian or the pagan. Shrug… I’m no great beauty myself!


To conclude, life’s been hectic, a hustle and bustle all day long. Weekends seem like the only time when one can finally let himself lose, when one can finally breathe easy again, and soon, Monday is once more the start of a new week once again. Yet I find blessings in that I’ll be able to enjoy my learning, my relationships, be it friendships in reality or fantasies, my teachers, despite some seem to be just idiots who can’t wait to get you down. I do enjoy the share of laughter, the share of amusement, of fun of wisdom. I feel blissful that I’ll have this optimistic view of life. But hey, I believe that I’m a Christian, and if I am, then God is for me, and if that is so, who can be against me? No one or thing, whether supernatural or mundane, can ever separate us from the love of God, which is expressed in the death of the Cross. How about telling me a greater expression of agape love? I doubt you can find any.

Without that, I’ll tell you, whoever that’s reading this, when you feel down, look at that silver lining in every cloud, and every dark cloud lies a Sun whose rays are just dying to penetrate through them. And when it did, you’ll see the 7 colors rainbow, the symbol of God’s covenant with Noah. Look at stars, which struggle to display their brilliance in this city where light pollution is so evident. Some do, and the glitter and shine, singing of a hope that is to come…

P.S. You who are reading, please lift a comment. Say hi. Cry out loud, your sorrows your unhappiness, I don’t mind. And if you find yourself in a state of euphoria, then scream it out, so that others can share it too…

into the future

Into the future

Friday, 19 August 2005 T: 23 23

A most recent New Paper has shocked the hell out of thousands. Old boys and current students gasped and protested angrily in their minds when they realise that the traditions of their once beloved school and now still is being torn apart by a principal they would almost refer to as insane, who is only in pursuit in academic and recognised achievements. Victoria School, a all boys school, may be in the risk of becoming co-ed, that is mixed.

These few days have been a frantic rush for petitions against this decision. Students proclaim their hatred, their total lack of support against it. Even the old boys are provoked, and participate in this campaign. Ironically, it’s only when the Victorian spirit is least called for (at least by the principal), it is suddenly revived.

If by now, you think that I’m going to rave about this issue and curse and swear at it, repudiating this idea totally, I think you’ll be wrong. And no, I’m not at all some betrayer or traitor or whatsoever. My opinion simply revolves around a single question: Pragmatism, or Tradition?

In my four years, I would not hesitate to tell you I enjoy the environment, the culture and environment of an all boys’ school, perhaps soaked in apathy and slackiness. Yet the atmosphere is that of a minimal competitive one. People will persevere to do well, not quite as so to beat others, but for their own future. Of course, most just don’t quite give a damn about it until the very last minute. Yet despite all this, there do are achievements in both the sports arena and academic results, though the latter we may not be able to boast much in. Nevertheless, it has inculcated in me a relaxed attitude, perhaps even optimistic, but definitely stress is never prevailing, amounting to causing great anxiety or distress except perhaps until the very last minute. I expect many other guys to probably agree, that we seem to be more stress-free. That perhaps is a gift many would long for but probably never have, and that will let us survive in the harsh working world, though extreme slackiness would very much cause our results to plunge down. Remember that guy’s world is seldom full of gossip and backstabbing, perhaps characterised by a bit of violence now and then, but I rather people hit me right in the face than in my back.

Therefore, as a senior, as a pupil who have enjoyed pretty much his four years, I would gladly want the future generations of Victorians to partake in this culture and become people not too striving to beat others, but themselves. Yet the fact is that if the eradication of such a culture of apathy and idleness can promote better results and boost academic excellence, why not? As much as there is moral values and loyalty in following traditions, I feel that there is a need for practicality, and to be, nothing beats the exhilaration of seeing your own school achieving better and better results. The point however is if making the school co-ed will better its academic performance.

Some doubt so. But I believe Ang’s stubborn and self-opinionated point of view is that the implementation of this will bring about that change in culture he found the key reason for the underperformance of the students in this school. Being under his governance for 4 years, I could say that he is a bold man who would not hesitate to change, to adapt, for a good he defined for himself – mainly academic excellence. Certainly, I pretty much he will ever let traditions and heritage obstruct his ambitions as a principal.

In some ways, I too am a pragmatic and practical person who is goal-oriented. To me, traditions and pre-existing culture though set an identity are just objects which must be rid of to achieve the greater good, that is to make it a school in the top rankings, and train up a cohort of students diligent, ingenious and capable of critical thinking essential for the survival of Singapore. That, in my humble opinion, should be part of the politically correct purpose for education, and every school should work towards them, bring out their students their finest qualities. And obviously, if this culture of apathy and ‘heck care’ nature stand in the way, they should be exterminated. The question is how? I believe Ang is still racing to find out.

The principal of VJC has never been more correct when she declares that to students that VJ is for VS students to my batch of Sec 4s the year before. True enough, it makes no sense, if not a disgrace, to find out that the top 2 group of students are actually students from Dunman High as well as TKGS. To make matters sound worse, Victorians are actually given affiliation bonus, and yet many simply cannot make it. This scenario perhaps is always something regretful to me.

No, results of our own students certainly have to be improved. Is the school doing great in adding value to its students? For a batch of pupils who have a PSLE grades of 244 and above, (and did I mention little of these people probably study for this exam!), the institute has not at all been doing a good job. Sure, 2004 batch (us) achieves an average l1r5 of 11.1, exceeding moe expectation by 0.9, but it’s definitely not high enough when compared to other schools.

Therefore, I see a greater significance in achieving academic performance, and first and foremost starts the removal of a degenerating culture, and perhaps a co-ed system will change things, though I really doubt many girls will actually join. Remember that Singapore, if sticking rigidly to traditions, will forever remain a fishing village or a trading port, and the gradual effect of this will simply be the true disappearance from the world map. But it has developed? How? By constant re-inventing itself, by changing and adapting, and only with bold measures can a country, or even a company, surge ahead by laps. Similarly, a school too bound to its traditions will never leave its shackles and will continue to be restricted and will never be free.

So pragmatism or tradition? I have reason to believe that even the little heritage that the government keeps has a political motive – propaganda and tourism. Haha.

the moment

for the one.

Tuesday, 16 August 2005 T: 22 02

Life can be so mean isn’t it, often giving you that tiny hope, a light in the darkness that would almost make you leap up into the air soaring in that infinite ecstasy, only to plunge you down the endless pit the next moment, falling and falling into that state of dismal and dejection. Yet it’s this very hope that somehow makes life seem possible, and the journey onwards is survivable, for somewhere into the future promised again another stroke of luck, and like addicted to this drug of happiness, we push on, persevere and survive.

For me, I’ve share of this turmoil, ups and downs of life, perhaps mostly in relationships. When you realise that you are being thought of by another, that your jokes, words are perhaps significant to the one you hold in high regard, that you seem to be more important in the eyes of the other who you cherish than others, you seem to come alive in delight and gladness. Yet at the very next moment, you wonder if that very person simply treats you as he or she has treated others, and you wonder how you ever dare to dream of being in the arms of this very person… how could you even compare yourself to him or her? You found yourself in the depths of the abyss once more.

There I was, in my childish, immature elatedness when someone told me that she asks him about me, almost going crazy with endless joy when realise that she didn’t ask about anyone. ‘The point’ as Dead Poet’s Society puts it, ‘is not that she likes me, but that at that moment, I am actually thought of!’ And somehow, in that ‘high’ and light-hearted state, accompanied by perhaps even foolishly silly wishful thinking, I wonder if dreams come true…

creation.

here's something i came across several days ago, and i thought it's interesting. it's just something interesting and not at all a true interpretation, just to let yo know i'm not exactly blaspheming about the Word etc.

"
You that God created Eve out of Adam's ribs.
Not his head to lord him over
Nor his feet to be trampled upon
But beneath his shoulder to be hugged
Close to his heart to be loved.
"

governance

Tuesday, 9 August 2005 T: 14 15

Today marks the 40th anniversary of Singapore’s independence. Am I elated? Perhaps I wouldn’t yet call myself a patriot, besides submitting at last to the authorities of my government and applauding what that they have done. I wouldn’t of course be a sycophant to the PAP, but thankful somehow for all that they have done, their honesty and transparency. Perhaps to what many would suggest a monarchy, I would not exactly be against it, so as long the country is governed well and there is peace and prosperity, and people contented and having good living standards and conditions.

The PAP will need all the power that is available if Singapore is to remain competitive among the huge and resourceful nations with their abundant land and people. Yet this very danger of one-party dominant state will mean that the government has to have a flawless system to keep itself in check, and prevent corruption. When there is an honest government, I think that the nation will survive.

Part of our GP module/curriculum is the subject of Genocide, where we see the impact of poor governance and corruption. During the reign of Khmer Rouge in the 1970s, Cambodia, millions of people die. One wonders if Khmer Rouge has not been removed from power, will Cambodia itself be self-exterminated with such high records of intra-nation killing. Watching the video which displays interviews of some of the victims and soldiers, I can’t help but be horrified at the inhumanity and the effects of humanity’s selfish and self-centred nature. Men are tortured and tormented to bring out names, and they in fright and pain would spam a few hundred names, and the vicious cycle continues. Women were beaten badly by desperate soldiers unable to fulfil their lust due to rules and regulations. Some were literally drained of blood so that their blood could go to save other people whose lives are considered more worthy and useful. Young people were indoctrinated and forced to slay or be slain. Where is God in this times of terror and hopelessness? If I was there and ended up in such situations, will I submit to pain and torments and kill and torture others? Will I speak up the names of hundred others I know very well innocent to save my own neck? Will I deny and renounce my faith in response to pain and afflictions? I’ll say I will not, yet I do not really know…

The movie ‘Hotel Rwanda’ depicts a conflict between the Hutu and the Tutsi, between 2 groups of people who look so alike that the only observerable difference is their noses. Yet a conflict can accumulate to such pure violence and deranged slaughter of 800 000 men, children and women! Why are people able to kill without slightest nightmares? I can’t imagine how people can coined up such euphemism like ‘ethic cleansing’ when it’s just brutal and inhuman massacre! Men are probably the rare species of the world who go about killing one another out of pleasure, not just for survival…

If someone points a gun at my and demand me to kill, will I? Is it right for me to harm others only because I’m threatened? I would gladly die, perhaps even succumbing to suicide. How about pain? Death, which has evoked fear in thousands of men, will only be in a form of escape in such terrible circumstance. It is not something that should be afraid of. It will take place, just a matter of time…

Somehow, I learn to give thanks for what and where God has put me. The fact that I’m schooling now, and right now sitting and staring at a computer are evidence that I have fallen into the grace of God, not only the Cross, but also the thing that I possess. PAP may be a government that enjoy its dominance, but if it’s doing well, why should I give it up for Saddam. After all, no human governance is flawless, and the reign of Khmer Rouge with its idealistic non-capitalistic philosophies will never hesitate to remind us that.

body combat

Wednesday, 3 August 2005 T: 21 56

‘Body Combat’ has certainly been a ‘blast’ within ACJC. The amount of horror and disgust it has compounded into the facial expressions of many is not at all difficult to imagine. Despite its name, it’s probably aerobics with the accompaniment of more modern songs using sets of exercises consisting of different moves from various types of Martial Arts. At least, this is basically what it claims to be. For me, my initial interest was entirely devastated after going through the first five minutes of the lesson. Instead of learning the techniques of fighting, I actually ended up doing things I wouldn’t exactly call gay. Only worse, I dare say. The following two weeks continue to build up hatred and apathy, not only in me, I would say.

Amusingly, these same upset and dread was dispelled after a rather refreshing lecture by a teacher. He’s right in a way, perhaps only echoing the same lesson thousands of people have told me. It’s all about the attitude. The amount of enjoyment or detest is totally dependent on the perspective. I re-visited the hours of exercises I have declared to be lame and horrible (gay), only to realise that teachers perhaps two to three times my age are doing the same thing. And certainly, I would say, they have surely a higher reputation and pride at stake than mere seventeen years old who seems to spend their entire time worrying what they look like to others, succumbing to peer pressure and influence. Look at them! Their usual seriousness and joylessness seem to dissolve to form delight and zeal. Why? Today, I find myself learning a very important fact of life.

I have lived half my teenage life probably trying to be someone I never am – a man. I am instead a boy. (in case you find yourself jumping to conclusions!) I have clothed myself in costumes I assume to be a result of maturity, spending half my time differentially ‘manly’ actions from ‘boyish’ with, ironically, childishness and naiveness. As one grows old, more mature, he or she with their dignity to protect will instead wish to revert back to the times of the past, and crazy activities like Body Combat seems to allow them to lose some of their inhibitions. My childish opinion is simply that people who do things I would classify as mature did them because of duty and responsibility and definitely not as a want resulting from their seniority. I was obviously wrong.

There today I find myself letting myself loose, wild in the exercise of Body Combat. Do I detest it? Am I disgusted? Somehow, in the midst of clowning myself, making a fool of myself, exhaustion, lameness, ‘gayness’, I find myself instead enjoying something what teachers have taken time to plan and implement… This is then the effect of age!

One last thing to add… In all schools, up to pre-tertiary levels, teachers/organisers often find difficulties planning activities and getting their students to co-operate. It seems that what they enjoy, what they deem as healthy and interesting often clashes the ideologies stuck in the minds of teenagers. Looking back, I would say that those teenagers are just too caught up in their childishness. When they grow up, they will look back at their teenage life, and somehow they will remember, and then they will miss them. And if in those years they had been blind to usefulness of the carefully organised activates due to their own immaturity, I think they will come to regret it.

No more formal attires from now on, unless during formal occasions when I’m compelled to wear them… Casual wear will do… And if friends laugh at me? oh so be it!