thanksgiving

Thursday, March 15, 2007 T: 11 59

It was a sudden impulse when I decided to pack my drawers that afternoon. I peruse all the letters that were written to me (from friends and teachers), Christmas cards and birthday cards that I have kept knowing that a day like today will come, scanning through all the things that I’ve collected, tokens that are like landmarks over the past 18 years of my life, bringing back memories both happy and sad. A feeling of nostalgia overwhelmed me, along with a certain sadness, when I realise I’ve finally gained the independence that I’ve been seeking for the past 10 years. Now that I got some of it, I seem to be at a loss, not knowing what to do with it.

But looking back, I think it’s amazing to see how the piececs of my life fall into place, that I am able to stand up time and time again each time I fell, drawing strength not from myself, but from God, friends, family, as well as memories. Despite of the little obstacles, I can still say I lead a fair comfortable life, filled with I believed more happiness and gladness that I ever expected. Somehow, it is as if there has only been one set of footprints in my sandy road of life right from the beginning. I think God has carried me through, in spite of my rebellious nature.

I’ve found friends in this lifetime that I know I can trust, that would stand by me although that would risked being laughed at, friends who never fail to lend a helping hand when I’m down on the ground, friends who do not fear admonishing me to keep me on the right path friends who never hesitate to encourage me when I dou bt I’ve done anything much in return (besides perhaps being a source of entertainment when I make a fool of myself). I’ve found friends who don’t mind going out with a boring person, who do mind going the extra mile to save me from trouble. Surely I’ll be damned if I am not thankful for them.

It is no mere luck and coincident that I landed up in Poi Ching School and ACJC. For it is there, I found teachers more willing to sacrifice time and effort to see us to the end, teachers who tirelessly scream and nag, gaining only hatred and disfavor and even gossip, teachers who have helped me attain my grades in school when I’m never put in sufficient effort in return. If it takes 2 hands to clap, I say they must be the ones putting more strength in their hands. I have went to my junior college for pretty much the wrong reasons. Surely it’s by God’s grace that I’ve landed there, for it is there I profit a great deal. It is there I found friendships that would last a lifetime, there I’ve gained an increase in self-confidence and self-esteem, there that I learn how to lead (though I’m still pathetic at it), there that I learn what it’s like to conquer my fears, there in the mrc room that I’ve spent indelible time discussing and planning work, about things happening in school, teachers, crapping with juniors and seniors, sthere even I found peop le whose lives inspire me to lead a more Christ-centered life, there where I learn about the inevitable politics, the power play that stemmed from selfish ambitions, there that I learned not to be stepped on and yet be nice at the same time, there that I’ve gotten academic results that I never once expected I’ll get. Can I really have something to complain about, especially knowing that this is not a perfect world and that the grasses on the other side always seem greener?

I started off in every new area of life badly, ostracised and mocked at. I guess my social skills are not exactly good. Yet miraculously, that only lasts for a while before I found friends willing to be stand by me. I’ve completed my first 3 months of NS life in Tekong. I’ve started off probably condemned, yet when I got into trouble towards the end of my bmt phase, it touched me that almost my entire platoon supported me, even I think my sergeants, and at that point of time, I know that I would be able to endure whatever punishment that was given to me. Surely it’s God’s grace that I got away with just a 50 bucks fine. Surely it’s God’s grace that never fail to carry me through every difficulty so far in life.

By now, the early game of this chess of life has been played, and as I turn to look into the future, I know I will be equipped with power and freedom to make my own deicisions, and with that may come a price to high for me to pay. With the increnase in independence will come an increase an increase in responsibility for my own actions and decisions. But come what may, I believe I’ll survive, not without the support of my peers. Come what may, I know God will always be there to guide me along, and prevent me from straying away.

As days pass, there will come a day when my drawer is too small for me to accommodate all my stuff, when maybe my disk drive will be too full. I look forward to that day, because I think I’ll forever cherish these things given me, because I think I’ll never let go of memories that I believe make me who I am today.

my confession

Friday, March 02, 2007 T: 00 45

Whenever she is around, I would find myself turning my head constantly, just to catch a glimpse after her again and again.The more I stare however, the more I wanted that instant to last forever, and during occasions when our eyes meet, I could always feel the weight of her eyes on me. I want to do something, a wink, a smile, as a form of acknowledgement, but fear always causes me to turn away.

I tell myself that all of it, this grand obsession, carried on in the face of a racing heart, a frantic and nervous temperament, has not happened. It is just another teenage infatuation, juvenile besortment, some form of déjà vu of my past experiences. I desire to seek back my rationality again, to land my feet back on the solid reality, consoling myself that it will be all gone the very next morning, the very next day.

But I do not, of course, and memories of spending time with her continue to torment me mercilessly, ceaselessly causing me to lose my direction in life. The moments when I’m with her, the anticipation, the excitement, the appreciation, the pressure are overwhelming, and yet indelible. I would feel weak, short of breath then, propelled by the urge to please her, to entertain her, and yet nothing comes out, and I hate myself for the lack of courage and strength, for not able to do the most simplest thing call talking. When she is around, I laugh too easily, too much. I do what I can to stay near her, assuming a nonchalent attitude while doing my own stuff, just to linger with the details of her person – the soft and silky hair, the sparkling eyes and the liveliness of her smile.

And when I’m finally alone by myself, I feel desperate, but sick and ashamed of this raging and senseless obsession. I remained consumed by own delusions of my own ‘happily ever after’, trapped in a spaced-out reality with the endless fantasies, besieged by the many pictures of her I have already taken in my mind.

It is a wonder how such images, such recollections of her voice, her looks, her character and her actions can do so much to brighten up my life, an amazement how they can put a smile on my face in the midst of gloominess. Maybe happiness is not just dependent on what one have, that the possession of something or someone may not bring happiness instead. Maybe it doesn’t not matter how long, but it is that instant of time that can really do magic.