in the days to come

Saturday, September 23, 2006 T: 14 51

I told myself I’ll return to my studies after finishing this entry. I’m not sure however if I’m able to sustain such a commitment. Already the 42 days left to the A level examination has seen an acceleration towards peak velocity in the revision in many, and yet in that minimal few, very much including me, there seems to be that unspoken confidence and assurance that there is still plenty of time, the discomforting calm composure that everything will still turn out to be all right. To top it off, there is no source or basis for such assurance, not with prelim grades close to failing.

Yet I think I’ve concerned myself in business greater away for academic work. School ends early for me and a couple others to begin bridging sessions that lasts till night. The coziness of my sofa in the mrc room creates a never ending temptation to rest and sleep my entire life away. The deterioration in morale, enthusiasm, passion of my fellow juniors often holds priority over any concerns about my academic progress. I wish I could do something to possible ignite that flame of passion, yet I know it is very much up to the individual, the members of the committee which I have helped to chose. I’m disappointed at the superficial relationships among them, yet at the same time feel so helpless and useless. And indeed, I’m very much confident that they will continue to do a good job, satisfactory at the very least to the public eye. Yet I think my zeal in this cca arises not only from the satisfaction gained from a job well done, but also from the relationships forged with my grand-seniors, my seniors, my crew, my juniors and to some extent my teachers. A crew held by tolerance and not acceptance can get a job done, yet for what greater purpose I ask? You know what’s ironic? I spend my four years of my secondary school life cca-less.

The next 42 days will a greater range of emotions from students across the entire cohort. For the J1s, it will be a desperation to do well for promos and be promoted, and a period for jubilation and exhilaration after that, saved for several outcry from the leaders destined for the C-Cab camp. For the J2s, it will be a building up of nervousness and tension reaching a climax right before November 3. Definitely, the last 4 weeks before prelims will see an atmosphere of increasing apprehension and worries, and as I sit here writing with many thoughts running through my mind, wondering whether the goal of 4As is still a visible one, knowing somewhat that I’ll be able to keep myself really relaxed and calm until the very last day before ‘A’ levels. For me at least, that’s just a tiny glimpse of hell.

on relationships

Friday, September 08, 2006 T: 18 09

As I listen to the song ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol, there is a certain hollowness and emptiness within me. Maybe the time has come for yet another of my mood swings arises from my endless curiosity in the realm of relationships. Maybe this is an issue I’ll never escape from and continue to think and lament about it, wondering if I’m been a fool, wondering who I can confide in besides this obviously non-responsive document.

I went to swim on Monday, alone as many would be shocked about. Yet I suppose it is one of the few times that I can be in my own peace and quiet for a change, feeling my body move in the water on its own, drifting into the endless sea of thoughts, imagining once again what’s it is like to have a life partner, to have children. Maybe I’ve grown up.

I sometimes wonder if marriage and parenthood can be selfish by nature. I want to get married. I want to have a kid. Yet the promises to be made upon the signing of the marriage document or the birth of the child seems too much for a mere man to bear. Death after all comes undecided by any human, and I can’t help but feel how it seems so capable of destroying any marriage vows, no matter how faithful the husband or wife can be. We can’t bear living the rest of our lives alone, yet how many are forced to let their wifes or husbands live alone. Neither are we guaranteed that we are able to teach and guide our children well, in ways that can let them grow up to be compassionate godly people. They say we can only trust God that everything will turn out for the best. Yet look around, there are the sons and daughters of godly men who become bad. Who is to blame then? Why do people want kids, and to what extent that desire has a selfless motive?

I thought a recent MediaCorp drama serial portray the thoughts of modern men and women well in the issue of marriage and relationships, very much to my surprise because the local media prefers sending messages that are in line with the goals of the government, especially now that Singapore is suffering from a low birth rate. It shows how fragile the modern married couple is, as well as question the purpose of marriage and the lack of freedom it will result in. One character loves another, but would rather see her married to some other guy (which she herself love less) than to commit himself to making promises he suspect he could not keep.

I think I can go on and on about the wonders of singleness despite the often appalled reactions by my friends and acquaintances. Yet I still haven’t find for myself what is really worrying me. And on that Monday, as I continue to swim lap after lap seemingly unconsciously, attempting to visualize how I can be a good husband or father, I knew I can never be assured of that no matter what I can do. Do I really want to risk the happiness of another woman and possible children? Do I want to risk making a widow? Somehow, I don’t think I’ll ever be bold enough…

It is so amusing why I spend most of my entire life mulling over this, thinking of relationships… Maybe I haven’t grown up, and as I listen the lyrics of Chasing Cars, I know that will never help quenching such thoughts either…

“If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?’

pride & prejudice

Monday, September 04, 2006 T: 18 27

As I frantically completed in the book by Jane Austen, abounding with eagerness to peruse the ending, I knew the reason why I found myself liking Pride & Prejudice. It is very much not because Keira Knightley is the actress of the movie, nor is it because the actors are very outstanding in their performances, but rather it is the script that I find myself loving, and I thank God that the director Joe Wright did not deviate much from the brilliant novel by Austen.

I find myself appreciating the dialogue among the characters very much. Each conversation is filled with a great amount of politeness and courtesy that can really well define a true gentleman and lady, very much unlike the rash and thoughtless outbursts among the people today, with tongues that lash out vulgarities all the time. Even criticisms are put across intelligently, often with a tinge of sarcasm. I wish I could speak like that, though doing so in this modern age would be tantamount to a social suicide and inviting condemnation and ostracization. No, it’s safer to stick to coarse language and humor, biased mocking and gossip.

The plot flows smoothly around the theme, beautifully shows how prejudice can lead to biasness which so often blinds people. I think I would have enjoyed the novel better if I had not watched the movie. Either way, I know why it has become a classic.