On family

Sunday, 13 March 2005T: 20 21

Several weeks ago, I was watching a movie titled ‘Cheaper by the Dozen’. A comedy, it shows a couple’s ambition and struggle to bring up 12 children of their own. No kidding. MediaCorp would love to screen it. Why would any couple wants so many kids anyway? Often I find myself amused with the paternal and maternal instinct of friends displayed as they exclaim their cries of adoration for the babies. Irritating chaps they are, annoying and ear deafening when they wail, anger triggering and devastating in their antics of mischief. Indeed, I’m not exactly an enthusiast in rasing (there is an author who describes it as rearing) children. No Family. This is my determined yet selfish motto.

Yet I could not explain the dread of imminent loneliness in the next 30 to 40 years, the void in my heart I know I would feel as I gaze at the other blissful couples. In all my affluence that I possess, I picture, I would still remain tormented by the empty house upon reaching home, the vacant and depressingly neatness of the huge poster bed, the empty seat besides me on the first class deck of the air plane in my future travels and endeavours. Will I die a lonely man? Will my demise be any significant?

Perhaps there need not be ‘skepticalism’ about boy-girl relationships, about marriages. If God is love, then God has made Man to love as well. God has made men and women to be companions for each other. It’s natural for each and everyone of us to seek company. Besides, further influence from the media as well as curiosity for the powers of romance has created chemistry that each man and woman seek to experience. The words from 1 Corinthians about love say it all beautifully and perfectly. Perhaps to certain people, a moment of happiness is worth permanent scars and pain.

To some, I would deem the prospect of family a future pecuniary liability that I could not afford. To another lot, I consider it impossible due to a total lack of personal commitment. To the others, I have suggested Paul’s words as an excuse. Yet somehow, maybe the basis for the rejection is inconfidence, inconfidence in rasing my children to adults, inconfidence in eternal love for the other half, inconfidence in the length of my life. My father has left me when I was just a kid, leaving my mother all alone. I could not bear the idea of leaving anybody fatherless, leaving my wife a widow. I have an intuition that God may take me earlier than most expected. I would rather die a lonely man, than one with endless regrets and incompleteness.

Our lives are like paths that we gradually walk along. Sometimes they intersect and we find friends who we can confide in. In other circumstances, two paths may merge and we find ourselves a partner. Sadly though, the merged path may come in a T-junctions where there will be separations, pain and hurt. In most cases, there will be obstacles, which need to be conquered. Yet whether they are long or short, tedious or not, they still end up in the same destination – death. Often I look at the dark sky at night, marvelling at the works of the Creator – the stars and the moon, hoping to catch a glimpse of heaven up above, where I hope I’ll end up in. I long to be with the Lord, who loves me, whom I love.

I tried to vision the path ahead of me. Go as far as I can see, I am told. And when I got there, I’ll always be able to see further, at least till I see the end. My heart is with my Lord, my God, Deliverer and Saviour, whether I’ll no longer sin, but to be able to be close to the Maker and His son. My future remains unclear, yet I find solace and peace in my salvation. Whether I’ll be attached in the distant future, I’m not sure. Yet He knows… He knows…

I’ll end this entry with a song by Sarah Hwee, a talented, God fearing, God loving and delicated singer. Do take a moment to look at the lyrics.

Save me.
I live a plain and boring life
I work all day and I spend my nights
With friends and conversation
Of me, myself and the television.

I try my darndest to be nice
Don’t eat meat, won’t harm a fly
And early Sunday mornings
I make my way to church

I used to think
If I just would
Try real hard
Then I could get to heaven

So this all there is to life
Just killing time between hi and bye
A somewhat empty pattern
We follow till we die
Can we fly to heaven
Our rockets are trapped in the universe
Can all our revolutions ever bring us peace?

Save me from my quest for a deeper meaning
Save me from that certain unknown after I’m dead and I’m gone
Save me from hurting the ones I love
How can I be good enough for heaven
When I cannot even save myself from me

If God made this world
Would He just stand and watch it die
In the hands of man whose true intent and inclination
Are shown in what we’ve done
We cheat we lie
Our wars don’t end
I think the worst of my best friends
I’m trapped by nature
Bound for failure
I need a saviour

Save me from a terrible fearful eternity
Save me from my just rewards
I’ve forgotten the God
Who gave me my heart my soul my strength
I’m in no position to ask for His heaven
I need God himself to save me please.
Save me.