the departure

I arrived in school late today, as I went to the airport to see Dawn off, perhaps as a polite gesture, on account of our friendship. It's a blessing in disguise that i didn't miss any lectures or tutorials since the first 2 periods are free time, but even if it does clash with my lessons, I’ll still go. i do not wish to have any regrets.

Somehow, the occasion seems so different from the time we sent Tracy off. There are more tears, although only six people are present. From the start to the end, perhaps even till now, I seem to feel a certain void, emptiness in my chest, a feeling that I seem not able to account for and explain. Perhaps the departure of a friend does bring sadness to a loner like me. I believe my presence can at least provide some comfort.

I watched as four of us (Dawn, a NY girl, CH guy and me) sat at the kopitiam table. Her family is at another. I observe the welling up of tears, which gradually overflow her eyes as she read the numerous sms that her friend sent. Silence seems to dominate the table, as if we were surrounded by soundproof walls. The constant chattering around us seems to vanish as it approaches us, and we stone there. Tension seems to be rapidly accumulating, only to be occasionally broken by a question or two. But soon, the melancholy-laden state is reverted.
I watched as they rose up, walking gloomily towards the departure gate, dreading each step and the passing of time, which seems to be tormenting at the six of us, snickering mercilessly. Tears soon roll down the face of the NY girl. Even the CH guy could withdraw his tears no longer. I stood steadily, quietly observing, yearning to locate the source of the hollowness in me.. I did not weep, though saddened, but remain emotionless on the outside. I see the 3 pairs of eyes following anxiously her as her father and her walked further and further, each cherishing every sight of her. I found my eyes fixed on her as well, wondering when will she be back. I wish time can be reversed.

We watched as she went away with her father, her face streaked with tears. She turned back now and then, in hoping of catching another glimpse of her mother and brother she left behind, perhaps her friends too. Once more, I could feel the emptiness in me, and somehow, this vacuum seems to be so heavy and burdensome. I find consolation that she's on her flight now, on her way to Australia, a country so beautiful and tranquil.

Deep down, i wonder if i'll cry too if there is such a day for me. I always believe that I’m detached from such worldly relationships, yet ostensibly, my belief seems to be just a lie. I saw Mark crying too, perhaps unable to bottom up his emotions. She is his sister after all, and i wonder if my question to him at the airport triggered it further.

On the way to school, I sat at the rear seat of the taxi, stoning, staring blanking into the thin air, and looking at the many visions floating in my mind. I feel like crying, perhaps influenced by the depressing scene just now. I didn’t. Not because I’m a man and shouldn’t cry etc. Why should I cry? Because she’s leaving? All the more I should not. She’s leaving for Perth to pursue her dreams, to attain what she wants, and in the midst of all that bleakness and dismalness, I find hope and joy in that.
I have faith that she'll be back soon, perhaps in June. I wish I could have adopted her cat. Yet then again, something tells me I’ll be reminded when I wake up in the early morning. Somehow, I know she is one of the better friends I have, despite the strange fact that we don't talk much. Unexplained affinity.

delication of song: The Voice Within

Answers

Carl: Thanks for the things you have mentioned through msn. i do recgonise the significance of life, only that i seem to query my social life, and what i have done that has some importance in this lives of others.

eryn: i didn't know u read my blog, but thanks for reading and for the reply. though somehow, i think one's relationship with God is also affected by the relationship with others and fellow Christians.

Bernice, thank you for appreciating my entry. sounds so weird. anyway, yup, i have a phone now. i realise many people are happy for me regarding that. Thanks for reading too.

My confessions

“You are the author of your own life story,” declares a poster in my primary six classroom, reinforced by Miss Phua’s encouragement, as well John Keating in Dead Poet’s Society. I slipped into another reverie tonight, away from the endless chattering of the PUNJ people, feeling my thoughts wandering about in a desultory fashion. Every question appearing in my mind seems to arrive at the same answerless status, and I found myself wondering once more who I am. Who am I, may I ask?

Some time ago, my zeal for friendster shot up and remained there for 3 pathetic days, before plummeting down to seemingly non-existence. I have hoped that there will be useful criticism about me, perhaps indirectly providing the solutions to the identity crisis that I somehow faced. Yet the fact that there are almost 100% positive statements provides no help. Who am I? What am I doing here? What will I be like if I have gone to ACS (I) with my 251 PSLE aggregate or other institutes? What will be my personality if my father hasn’t passed away? What will I be like if I’m wealthy? Perhaps the poster is wrong, I am not exactly the writer of my own novel…

Overtime, I have adapted myself rapidly to each new environment, enjoying the company of various types of friends. I seem amazed with my flexibility, my ability to interact with all types of people, yet in the midst of all these self-pretence and perhaps hypocriticism, I am unsure of my real and true self. I recognise my self-consciousness, and thus remain as the guy quietly tagging along, carefully observing people, gathering inspirations to write and consider, not at all wishing to get the attention, as much as I yearn to. Such irony. Is this what I’ll want to be? An insult about VS is the criticism that VS is an abbreviation of Voyeur School. A crude term indeed, but in a more metaphoric perspective, it infers a lack of actions due to the lack of courage. How much of this characterise me, on top on my apathy?

John Mayer, a talented guitarist, singer and songwriter, wrote a song titled “No Such Things” that echoed some of the hidden desires that I have. Somehow, I feel (and fear) that I’ll always remain as the silent listener and the thoughtful observer, remaining a mystery to those who thought they know me. How could they? Even I’m unsure of myself. I wrote these not to complain, but to voice out my thoughts on paper. I am a man of the written word after all, not at all of the spoken word.

This nature has caused many repercussions in my relationships with others. I have few I would consider friends, but many acquaintances. Eroded friendships seem to form a major bulk of my social life. My regrets over these never fail to overwhelm me with guilt, especially those friendships I once shared with people from my primary school. I know I am not doing enough. Even within YF (despite the countless y com meetings that I went though), I could feel myself drifting away rapidly. “I will not be missed, never be thought of, just like a ghost gliding around, transparent to the world, and yet so affected by the world. I stop.” No, I do not belong with the YF people. Where then should in go? This realisation claws at me. So, I make more acquaintances with the people from PUNJ, and that’s about it. Drowning myself in music, books, in desperation to numb myself of such endless thoughts, I know very well that I am just a loner after all.

Wisdom

Knowledge is power. This is indeed a famous phrase used especially by teachers to advocate education. I never disagree. The things one knows about other people already grants them a certain amount of power that they can wield, especially the ones meant to be kept secretive. That being the case, all the more people wants to know everything, for not only it grants a sense of honour but also the ability to entertain during a gossip session. Many a times, I heard countless criticism and insults. (All these are of course done behind the back of the victim.) My immediate response to the attacker will be distrust. In my social life, keeping my bad comments to myself is one golden rule I stick to, and I thought it’s very important to maintaining relationships. As to those who gossip, I would only despise them.

What is wisdom? What is not wisdom? What is intelligence? What is not intelligence? I feel very comfortable in Serangoon JC, despite the fact that it is one of the bottom JCs in the country. What will the atmosphere like in the top JCs? Why do I get the feeling that I do not wish to know? In a school of people with lower intellect, things are much simpler. Attacks are openly declared, abuse verbally and publicly hurled, maybe eruptions of fights. Yet among the smartest, there is always backstabbing, gossip, and I’ve heard countless recounts of that. So what if people are smart? The things they resort to are simply despicable and downright evil. Hypocrites I feel is the worst breed of humans. It is much secure surviving in a bright and open field, than a dark and creepy forest, full of dangers lurking around. Being smart and brilliant is good, but alas, the sinful ways of man will often corrupt it.

The nature of things.

Asia is the largest continent in the world, having many members of countries. Among these are mostly developing countries, perhaps some of the poorest nations in the world. Developing countries like Thailand and Indonesia struggles with poverty as they attempt to grow in their economy. Due to a huge population, GNP per capita is very low and annul GNP have to be allocate to many sectors – agriculture, infrastructure as well as public welfare. Poverty is clearly present in these countries; their streets littered with beggars and people having to undergo starvation. Living conditions in the cities for most are relatively bad compared to the developed countries, and for those in the rural areas, their lives are far worse. Nevertheless, governments still have confidence of economy growth and improvements of living conditions and life quality.

Yet their hopes are often dashed by unexpected incidents and diasters. Asia, especially the poorer nations, tasted some of the bitterest attacks by nature, perhaps the worse. Take for example, the Bangladesh cyclone in 1970, which killed up to 3000 men, China’s Yangtze River flood as well as the Great Kanto earthquake, are some of the worst natural diasters the world has ever seen.

Even most recently, countries like Indonesia and Thailand suffer greatly from the Tsunami diaster. A recent newspaper article reports that Indonesia may need up to 3 years of GNP to recover from this carnage. Parts of Banda Aceh, Indonesia are completely flattened by the tsunamis. The destruction of the many resorts in Phuket will lead to a decrease in tourism, and thus losses up to 770 million in Thailand’s annual GNP. Even so, millions of dollars are needed for reconstruction and rebuilding of the shelters and home, let alone the tourism industries. Will US$2 billion, raised internationally for the Tsunami victims, be sufficient? I doubt so.

An article in http://www.worldchanging.com/ comments, “For one thing, history shows that the world tends to lose interest in disasters in developing world once people stop dying in large numbers. If we don't think now about our commitment to helping these communities recover and rebuild after the immediate crisis has passed, we never will.”

The writer is right. A vicious cycle is early evident in these regions of the world. Due to poverty, these countries have no access to high technology and therefore no ability to predict these diasters. Telecommunications within the nation is minimal and infrastructure is simply bad. On top of that, social unrest and political instability within these nations together with corruption and high crime rate causes the very gradual economy growth, and thus the inability to escape from the poverty cycle. Most unfortunately, they have to withstand the many wraths of nature that rage to destroy what they build and kill what they own, even massacring a huge number of people.

Unless the rich nations care to intervene and help the poor get out of the cycle, things will never come to an end. These countries will again take the full impact of such terror and history will once again be repeated. The world must recognise the necessity of fighting global poverty.

Still, there will never be a victory in the war with global poverty. Mortality rate will forever be 100%. It is only when the Messiah finally arrives can peace and love be restored to this world.

The Tsunami diaster

The countdown towards the New Year has commenced, and yet I feel the enthusiasm gradually diminishing within me. 2005 has arrived and yet in the mist of happy wishes, there seems to be only pretence for me. Alas, the new year has been ushered in by a diaster – a peril that have got at least 118k people dead and as I write, the death toll continues to climb mercilessly, much to the agony and sorrow of family and friends.

Nature has once again unleashed her wrath against the people. Man, with his technologies, self-pride, self-glory, is put into place when the sea came crashing down. Reality checks in when tsunamis rose and fell, smashing everything he has taken pride in, sweeping away lives without a tear. How pathetic the lives of man are, how fragile they are?

I visioned myself witnessing the scene – the scene of desperate people clinging onto driftwood crying hopefully for help, the scene of mothers catching hold of their children, in terror, anguish and distress, *perhaps making decisions no parents would ever want to. How could I, a human being, a Christian, feel apathetic when reading the news a few days ago? How could I feel nothing when thousands of people were mobilized to search for a lost young girl? How could I be emotionless when news of the death of the girl reached my ears? How can I be proud of a school culture of indifference – ‘dun give a damn’. A simple portrayal of self-centredness and selfishness, I realise. It is time I change.

My heart is saddened by the demise of thousands of innocent lives – toddlers, children, adults, and elderly, even the animals. And of these, those who have not acknowledge the truth of the gospel can only be condemned to hell, to eternal death and isolation from God.

#“Often time, we need to be reeled back into reality by diaster and personal suffering. Who gives a thought about the reality of God, life and death during boom times? Who really gives a thought about God and reality when we are sunning ourselves on beaches, shopping ourselves till we drop dead and eating ourselves silly?”

Perhaps it’s in the midst of such sufferings and pain, can we learn to be like Job, who when being inflicted with diseases, family taken away from him, stumble not in his faith in God, but hold tightly to Him in prayer, in total humility.

It is a relief to know that there are people out there who are concerned. And it’s because of such sympathy and compassion can the poor live better lives, the elderly receive Christmas gifts of life necessities from the Salvation Army. Among these people are non-Christians, how can I, one who claim to be a follower of Christ, be not ashamed of myself?

“My hope is to be with my Lord
To know as I am known
To serve Him gladly all my days
In praise before His throne”

*During the diaster, an Australian woman was clinging onto 2 children, yet she knows that she cannot save both, but must release one to save the other. Out of desperation, she let go of the elder one, with the mindset that the elder one has more chance of survival when released. She was in agony after she and the younger one got to safety. How could she value one over the other?

#quote Christopher Chia