complaints and appreciation for kids.

Sunday, September 30, 2007 T: 15 00

Have you ever wondered why toddlers learn how to stand and walk on two legs, and stop crawling after a certain age?

Every Sunday service, being a person who is always tardy, I would sit at the back of the hall, together with the new parents and their babies. Often I found myself really annoyed with those kids, especially when they start crying. Oops, they do not cry; they wail, as if the whole world owes them a living or something. There are many a times when the slight murderous intent comes trickling into my mind, before a more rationale acceptance that they are after all children with no other ways of expressing themselves (hey, I have no way of expressing my frustration too!). I found myself wondering how the speakers could tolerate this. If I were them, I think I really feel like screaming at them to just ‘shut up’! I found myself amused at the parents – the frantic way with which they use to persuade the little fellows to calmness amidst the reproaching stares from people like me – wondering why the hell they allow themselves to be at the mercy of their own children, suffering the humiliation and embarrassment while the toddlers cry as if the entire ceiling is going to collapse (it’s very possible I believe if the kids all cry together, and thus I’m really thankful for the lacking of the herd instinct at that age). I think if I found myself ever in such circumstance, I would really pretend I don’t know him and let others attend to the dumb kids.

Nevertheless, there are times when I found myself really fascinated with them. No, I do not gush over them because they are cute or adorable like many women seem to be fond to. I mean hey, if I’m that kid with a more intelligent mind and stronger limbs, I’ll damn well make sure I’ll pull their cheeks too. Instead, I found myself interested in how these little fellows try to make sense of their world, of the environment that they are in. To me, these ‘creatures’ are the epitome of innocence and purity, as well as ignorance and stupidity. They do not know anything, and it’s the process of their learning which I’m enticed by. I could imagine the high rpm of their brains churning to understand the things happening around them. I could picture the high rate of new synapses form in their brain as they attempt to remember what’s good and what’s bad for them. I realize that honestly they could never be bored, because everything is new to them – they see colors, they hear music, they feel things, they smell perfumes. Everything seems part of a magical world to them. Today as I see the little girl toddler tiring herself out to walk in the aisle, clinging and learning on to everything (from the chairs to the legs of strangers to the guiding hand of the mother), I wonder why she’s exhausting herself. I think it’s not just imitating the adults, the other people, but also to satisfy her curiosity, that she can see a lot more things that way, that she can reach out for more things in a upright position, that she has an increased accessibility. It’s not before long before dropping to the ground to cover the greater distances, but she’ll stand up again upon reaching her destination. She wants new things, new toys to play with. A packet of tissue paper in her hand can grab her attention for sometimes. A bottle of water can tempt her to cover the huge distance to reach the mother. Is this sign of the human condition, that we always want things, yearn for things without really knowing why we are doing so, things which maybe others tell us, hint to us that they will be interesting and attractive. I saw the three toddlers gathering together, checking each other out. In their undeveloped mind, they seem able to still see similarities in each other, and their childish hunger for comprehension must have spur them to attempt to find out why. I remember kittens and puppies are probably like that as well, curious, all ready to make sense of their environments, even if they meant venturing into the unknown.

Today, I as a nineteen year old guy wonder what it is like to be at that young age. As I grow up, I have come to understand that the more that I know, the more unhappiness I will too get to know about. My environment, no longer new, becomes just a boring comfort zone. Despite the dullness, there are always fears to walking into new land, worries and concern that would have never fazed the toddler. Perhaps in a way, these little children appreciate the world much more than I do.

I know I must be getting old when babies are beginning to appear in the wombs of my friends, in the arms of my peers. In a couple of years’ time, they will running around their legs, much to my irritation (I spent a fraction of my life in fear that I’ll knock them over, exasperated that 1. they got no sense of direction 2. they got no traffic rules 3. they are blind 4. they need not care). In no time, they will be teenagers, young adults like I once am, adding on to the concerns and worries of their parents. It is amazing how time flies.

Life after all is a miracle. There is no scientific explanation for life, how minute atoms and molecules breathe life into a being. And so, I will never hesitate to offer my congratulations to my friends, along with a ‘good luck!’

Indeed, parenting is not easy. On a desk of a Kuo Chuan Presbytarian classroom, I was quite surprised to see the bold words of ‘It’s My Life. Don’t Try to Change It’. I did not expect such a clear expression of it. It’s funny always how children always fret over how adults don’t understand them, and vice versa. Maybe it’s the human condition that we always fail to put ourselves on the shoes of others. Even so, we might not comprehend everything.

Still, I have my own suggestions. I’m not saying they are really helpful of course. I’m just offering them because I’m conjuring scenarios and possibilities. Perfect situations and circumstances don’t exist after all. There no 100% method because everyone’s different.

1. Humility (it’s difficult for a parent to apologize to a child, even when it’s the adult’s fault. I know I won’t, but I’m not a parent!) 2. Keeping promises no matter what. If you think you can’t keep it, then don’t make it. Remember the movie the pursuit of happyness? I’m really impressed with how Will Smith always use words ‘perhaps’ and ‘maybe’, much to the frustration of the kid, but at least he knows his father won’t lie. 3. Don’t compare. 4. Remember. Relationships only work when we remember and not

I can’t think of anything else, but you can add on to the list yourself.

In any case, I think I’m still going to be thinking of slaughtering the next kid who wail in front of me. But that does not mean I lack respect for them. After all, they are able to see the world in a way I do not. Damn, I think I’m contradicting myself, haha.

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Keeevin: Thanks for the comment. I think I never come across the 1 John 4 verse before, but I think it might help. But does not that mean we love God just by loving our neighbor? So do we love God himself?

religion?

Sunday, September 23, 2007 T: 15 21

I just found myself in a crisis at this point of life.

In the Bible, much is often said about the ancient people worshipping idols they made themselves. Indeed, as a modern educated person in this 21^st century, one can hardly conceive why they actually do so. It seems to be really stupid, especially when one reads in the Bible that the Lord himself actually spoke to them time and time again. But psychologists today may be able to point out people’s innate need for a tangible higher-being. I recall reading an article a few years back which identifies the purpose of religion. It allows people to hope, to have someone or something that they can commit their burdens to without compromising their own pride. Religion provides a standard guideline for people to live their lives, a standard which its followers would agree upon and thus be united. When I consider the rising charismatic movement which preaches about the more loving and personal God in place of the righteous and fearsome God, I wonder if too Christianity is just another religion, conceived by men so that men could be inspired by it, so that men could identify with it.

Coincidentally, it seems that many people turn to God when they are in need isn’t it? People begin questioning the meaning of life, grasping whatever strands of hope, following whatever glimmers of light when they are on their deathbeds. A ministry can be set up easily among people wallowing in their own darkness. Believers reach out through the Yellow Ribbon Project, through evangelism in regions suffering from poverty, and give them the hope to live on. Is Christianity, like other religions, just something to help satisfy people’s need for something to hope and look forward to?

What if all that stuff that I learn in church ain’t true? What if something else is true? Why do I choose to believe in the death and resurrection of Christ? Do I simply fear going to hell, fear the eternal suffering that I’ll be destined for if I ever choose to be an unbeliever? Suddenly, it seems better to be a dog. For them at the very least, death is an end itself. They never have to be concerned the possibilities of an afterlife. What if there is no God in the end? I guess it won’t matter because I would lose nothing anyway.

But I could not dismiss the fact that I’m living in a perfect world (environment). I refuse to believe that the Golden ratio exists due to mere coincidence and not a result of a designer’s vision. I refuse to believe that the difference ratio of elements and substances in this world, calculated to a very specific numerical value required to sustain life exists due to some random evolution. I could not dismiss the fact that 3 main faiths in this world share a common Old Testament. I could not dismiss the archaeological and historical evidence that supported the truth of Christianity. I did not read a number of theological and historical books to fall away (if that is possible). I did not spend half my life searching for answers to my faith to have it destroyed and given up. But something just doesn’t click, despite my months of attempts to reconcile and even ignore it.

How do you love a person you fear? It’s like Theodore Bagwell (Prison Break 2) trying to get the woman and her children he love to love him. The woman knows very well that he won’t hurt her and the children, but still cannot come to terms with his past. How do you love a person who you do not know? The Bible has stated His great love and righteous. But what sort of God created a bunch of people who have free will but are subjected to his will? What sort of God would adopt us as sons only to tell us that we are created for His own son? What sort of God would turn away from Jews who continue to believe in His existence (but not of the Trinity) and follow his decrees and laws and continue to do good? I’m not talking about the Pharisees here, but just Jews who are as humble but stubborn and loyal only enough to only believe in the Old Testament. Have you read Tuesday with Morrie? Here is a professor who probably has sufficient ‘human’ wisdom to see past the pursuits of this mundane world and inspire hundreds while he is dying. But he is destined for hell. And if I am to land up in hell, would it really be my dishonor to suffer with people like him, doctors and philanthropists who dedicate more than half their lives in helping others? And if I am to get to heaven and be good, would I be myself?

I used to be able to sing during song sessions, to be able to sing of His great love and grace when I was younger. But as I grew up, I find myself to be increasingly cynical. Things seem not to be as simple as they once appear to be. I found myself in Christian concerts with a gigantic congregation singing and praising the Lord, only to look at the rest of the people and wonder, hell do they even know what they are singing? Do I know what I’m singing? Do I understand the gospel, the faith which I’ve stood by for the last decade or so? The realization that my faith probably stems from the fear of God just confuses me.

I found myself growing tired of bible studies and sermons. I don’t need history lessons of the Old Testament. I don’t need Paul’s instructions in teaching how to treat people, relating to other people, to not end up in lawsuits and all. Because everything can be easily summarized by the word ‘love’. And the essence of love is easily summarized by Corinthians 13, and we would do very well indeed if we follow that in everything we do. I know how I should live my life, but I want to know is how I can live it! What I need is more and more perseverance!

Against a logical mind, I choose to continue in my Christian faith. It seems to be by a process of elimination, but I pray God will still open the door for me anyway. I reject the statement that Christianity is a religion. I think I will spend the rest of my entire life still searching for answers.

indefinite

Sunday, September 02, 2007 T: 10 57

For me, it really sucks to be without a destination, without knowing the goal, the end point. It sucks not to know the finishing line when I run. I suppose it’s because there seems to be nothing to look forward to. Facing a path that never seems to end, hope and morale gradually decreased. Moments of doubt appear, and it’s not before long they are sufficient to destroy all desires to persevere, and I gave up.

I realize I’m pretty aimless in my life. And sometimes, I really feel I don’t know when I’m going. I tell myself to let nature takes its course, but I’m not entirely convinced by it, because the last minute decisions often left me in chaos. It’s like cycling without knowing a route. I find myself often busy thinking which direction to turn, often only deciding at the last second, only to turn and then realize the other way might be better. In the end, I spent so much time and effort to achieve nothing. Maybe the responsibility that comes with every decision is too much for me to bear, and I try to avoid it unless I’m without a choice.

Do I really know what I want in my life?

Throughout my school-life, I never really had a specific objective. I did whatever I could do, whatever I could enjoy myself and yet not regret. When secondary school education required me to choose a subject combination, I chose something which enables me to do anything in junior college. For JC, I chose subjects that will allow me to do anything in University as well. And when the time comes for me to choose my course for my tertiary education, I choose Accountancy – something I think I’ll survive with for the rest of my life, something which I have not much idea what it is about. In my work, both as a sound crew member and today an armor technician I avoid giving the definite, only talking about the probable. I hate confirming and the certain ‘yes’; and prefer the flexible ‘perhaps’ and ‘maybe’. I guess it always gives me an escape route, a backdoor just in case. Then I won’t be faulted on making blunders, won’t be going back on my word and failing in my promises. I seldom promise, unless it’s things I’m really certain about.

In my life perspective, I try not to give a stand in issues, especially debatable ones. I believe all different opinions can be reconciled by relativism – different people, different upbringing, personality and environment – and thus everybody’s right. There is no fixed line drawn between right and wrong, rather it is just established by the consensus of the majority in that particular society. After all, the mafia regime can have as much peace and order as today’s legal democratic world with all its written laws. Truth is definite, but seldom are we able to find it, because it’s that easily distorted. I think life as a chameleon is easier than that of a tiger. The latter may be able to hold its ground for a while, but never forever, because we are not eternal.

I told myself I’ll rear pets one day, only to understand today I’m not the type of people to commit to anything. I change my mind too often. Tying a person down with burdens is no different from caging a bird. Liberty and independence are vital to grant room to change, to adapt, and fit into any environment.

And so do I really know what I want with my life? I doubt so. There are moments in my life when I dreamt about luxurious cars and gigantic mansions, others when I’m just contented enjoying a cup of coffee at the coffee-shop downstairs. Maybe I think the knowledge of the destination after life is more than sufficient. After all, while I’m not in hot pursuit of anything, God has taken me this far. Let Him take me another 2/3 of a lifetime longer. After all, everything that I could achieve lasts no longer than a fleeting lifetime.