still searching, still musing

Saturday, 21 May 2005 T: 17 53

I used to think that my social skills was anything but pathetic, used to think that I’m able to adapt well to any changes in circumstances, used to think that my comfort zone could be changed frequently to fit a different situation, used to think I could make friends with anybody that I want to. Now that I look back at my foolish ideologies and misconceptions, I realise I am anything but right.

I’m still finding myself, trying to understand who I really and truly am. Unknowingly, I seem to have offended several in school, irritated and annoyed many, something which I thought would never happen for me. I reflect upon my endless criticisms and complaints exclaimed in school, my thousands of comments that have insulted another hundred others. In a single day, I could offend my two presidents, to an extent that my ‘screwed’ meter can go up to 120%. I wish I have the luxury of time in every conversations, that I could sent every sentence to a word processing centre in my brain for filtering before egesting them out of my mouth. The tongue is difficult to control indeed.

Online, I take on a totally different personality, one that seems to the opposite party, mature and intellectual. Yet in public, I am deemed as childish and immature, which I seem even to agree. I wonder which self is my true personality, which one is really myself. I guess I hope very much that it’s the former, and the desire to have peers make me the latter, sadly, causing results in contrary to what I thought it will be. Perhaps I am screwed in my social skills, I guess it’s something I’m still finding out and polishing up.

Despite proclaiming that I am nonchalant to criticisms about myself, I still am to some extent, perhaps lesser than most other people. I am a human after all, a sinful creature inclined to succumb to the likes of the world. Yet I seem to be doing nothing to prevent this criticism, if not worsening it. I would love people to have a good impression of me, yet the irony is that I allow myself more often than not to be more known for my bad traits – untidiness, stereotyping, slackiness etc. Seriously, what am I thinking of? Perhaps it’s better to be outcasted. I like to be alone, musing about criticism on me, about the people around me. At least when I’m in isolation, I would not sin against people, even though I will sin against God. Yet it always seems natural to me, taking on the role of an inactive observer, just scanning and reflecting.

I read blogs as part of learning more about people, doing my best as the inactive observer. Online, I have nothing better to do than just to read diary entries of friends. Some of which I find interesting, others intellectual, and several of the rest touching. Often I came across depressing ones, the similar and familiar words of exhaustion in life. Often I am so tempted to reply, perhaps in a hope to comfort and cheer up. These I did, and yet I could not help but query if my hope is just one that belongs to an idiot, and that my words did the reverse instead. Often after clicking the send button, I would regret doing so. I would be elated when they respond in thanks. Yet how much of the thanks is really a sincere and grateful appreciation, I know I’ll never have my answer, nor do I really wish to think and speculate about it. I have countless other issues to think about, and my time is ever limited.

In my entire life, I probably find myself thinking of someone at every point of time, at least since primary 1, perhaps too influenced by the TV dramas. Yet suddenly, perhaps in the midst of this hectic lifestyle, I slip gradually out of this state, though often they will come back to me. If JC life is a different ball game as compared to secondary school life, I would say it’s because of the presence of girls. There seem to be an unknown pressure upon me. Is it the wish to impress the people of the opposite gender? I remain unsure. Among my friends, schoolmates, I find myself entering a separate reverie of my own, secluding myself from the others. I would never find anything to say, to contribute, to such discussion about hot girls, pretty lasses etc. It seems to add a degrading value to this particular group of people, which I once thought impeccable, though I guess the latter fades off with time. Perhaps I do wonder at times what having a partner would be like, (I know very well of myself that I do not have the gift of singleness.) especially when I see the intimacy of couples. Part of me always feels that emptiness that certain void of loneliness. Yet relationships in JC seem always so temporal, gone and ended after 2 years, perhaps even much lesser. I’m not sure I’m the type who is so capable of giving anything up easily, not that I would even manage to get into one in the first place. I do wonder, being the C.S. personality that I am (analytical and reflective), why I even like girls in the first place? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not gay or anything, but really I do wonder what is in them that is attractive? Is it just looks, or simply the lack of understanding of them that draws curiosity and causes this so-called love chemistry? Vice versa for girls. I know very well I’ll never understand the mentality of the opposite sex; I’ll never get my question answered, except that God make us who we are, and it’s His will to bring man and woman together. By the way, curiosity kills the cat.

Perhaps the personality course is right in predicting my nature. I am a perfectionist and I often think I am the one who will do the best job. Maybe it’s also why I never find it easy to delegate work and often bear the brunt of the workload myself. I guess things will change somehow, especially with the existence of group work. I wonder about my ability to work well with the group, considering that there are two D.I. s in my group. (DI = dominant and influencing in the personality test) Will there be a frequent clash of ideas and opinions? I know for sure my two bosses find working together difficult. It is a good thing that they lead different programs. It is rare when the two actually agree on the same thing. Will that happen in my group as well? How about my role in my group? Which position I am going to take? To this, I guess I’ll never know. Time will tell. God knows, and He has it all planned out. I find comfort in that.

As a Christian, I know very well that I should live my life in worship to my Creator by showing love to the other people around me, (agape love), that my existence in this planet Earth – this world that I do not belong to – is simply to serve, and not to be served. To what extent have I led my life to serve others? Partially, this is also the reason I joined MRC as well as sound and lcd crew in my church, the other reason is simply interest. Yet on the other hand, I screwed up my family life, screwed up the lives of others with my gossip and all. How Christian is that?

Who am I? What would my answer be if I am to defined myself in a sentence? I seem not able to know. I’m still finding out. I guess to some extent I do know what and who I am, yet do I have the courage to appreciate and love who I really am? I’m not depressed or anything, just mystified. Still searching… Still musing…

I’m not perfect. I never will be, at least not until the second coming I’m just a sinner, an idiot, a retard. Before the eyes of God, if not for his grace and mercy and love, I am nothing but just a temporal passing of the wind.

personality test

Wednesday, 11 May 2005 T: 19 40

As part of the school’s curriculum, the J1s are made to go through a psychological course on discovering personalities’ traits and differences. It was better than I expected. Perhaps a pervious course endured in Victoria (by the name of Done and Done) turns out to be pure bull shit and a waste of 100 bucks in my Edusave. This time round, the speaker turns out to be a very engaging lady with interesting facts.

Apparently, personalities are divided into 4 main categories – dominant, influencing, compliant, and stable. The answers to a questionnaire suggest that I’m stronger in terms of compliance and stability. I was termed as a precisionist.

Quoting from the booklet, it states that “Individuals who are Precisionists exhibit a precise, detailed and stable nature. They are systematic thinkers who tend to follow procedures in both personal and business life. They act in a highly tactful, diplomatic fashion and rarely antagonize their associates consciously, taking care to avoid conflict. Extremely conscientious, they painstakingly require accuracy in work and maintain high standards. Precisionists like a protected and secure environment with set rules and regulations, and dislike sudden changes. They like people, but prefer having only a few close friends. Exactness is one of the essences to them, and criticism (their greatest fear) is equated with failure. They can be counted on to carry out tasks correctly. They want exact facts and figures before they will make a decision, and feel uneasy when forced to decide anything quickly. Predictability and security are the greatest goals for a Precisionist. This is true in all aspects of his or her life; the more stable the environment, the happier they are.”

How true is the above? Quite, I must admit, precise. But if you think otherwise, please do comment. If you agree, comment as well. haha.

the essence of life

the principal made the announcement this morning. She did not mention the cause though, perhaps to avoid the loss of respect the others have of a fellow departed student. Yet rumours, like wildfire, are unleashed even before the dismissal of school yesterday. Like what Russell has declared, is he deserved to die? For those to end their own life in defeat and foolishness, are they deserving of their death? Worse of the people of these lot who called themselves Christians, are they really believers? Have they because of earthly and humane and ungodly obstacles and difficulties forsake the glory and reject the gift as bestowed by God?

The life of an 18-year-old student, once full of hope and dreams, is ended in a split second. Were there regrets as he plunge down? There is no room for any anyway. Sometimes I really wonder what is in life which is worse than one’s own life. I would never have the courage to kill myself. I rather face the music, humiliation, and stress. (Which I think is almost non-existent in my life). Is stress a suitable reason for taking a life. I should think not. Why would anyone be stressed anyway? There is a God, and there will be a plan, all you have to do is to follow it. What’s so difficult about that. Why should anyone with the knowledge that his or her rewards are stored up in heaven bother so much about work and relationships, and self-create pressure on themselves?

Do your best, that’s all one has to do. Work is but meaningless in the eye of God. I’m not of course saying that we do not need to work. Rather, we should prioritise and know that there are things more significant that work. As Christians, we are strangers living in this world. All things around us is just temporal. We should just do our best, with the ultimate knowledge that we are doing all for God’s glory. He who sees all will never mind failure in things that the pagans speak of. He is only hurt by Man’s failure to want to reconcile to him, to be free from sin and acknowledge the true and living God.

the gifts of life

Thursday, 5 May 2005 T: 20 11

Time is like that chain metal ball tied to my legs, restraining and constraining me. Having experience college life for 2 months, I must say that these days have been just a consistent race with time, and as I stare at the piling assignments, I wish for the hundredth time in my life that I would have a bit more time.

Sometimes, I wonder why I didn’t at all appreciate sleep in my younger days. Sleep is now to me a luxury. It is so fantastic having a 12-hour sleep, and now, every dawn seems just to be a violent struggle. I think sometimes I rather hug the bed and just lie there forever and ever…

Sometimes, I begin to realise that the pursuit for material is just an endless illusion that spare few. Wealth and world possessions are just earthly and temporal things. I have spend so much time and effort obtaining them, that perhaps I do not see that the things I enjoy most are not the ones that comes with a price tag. Rather, it’s the natural and God-created gifts that brings delight and wonder. If you ask me, I can name almost nothing besides my faith that are better than the gifts of sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste. I would not want to be living in complete darkness, neither in total silence, nor without the ability to smell. I do not want to be in a state when shark’s fin and cow dung are no difference in my mouth, neither do I want to lose the warmth and affection of touch.

In a class of kindergarten students, a bunch of children are asked to name the Seven Wonders of the World. The bright ones quickly jot down the Grand Canyon, etc. Yet a girl, perhaps still naïve and innocent and pure, wrote that answer that causes a reflective surprise of the teacher. In that neat and tidy handwriting, she wrote, “To see, smell, hear, taste, touch, laugh and love.”

Can the ‘wonders’ built by man ever be comparable to these gifts that are given to us right from day one, these gifts that many have taken for granted? Even with our astronomical buildings, lightning-speed cars, what is the point of life if there is an absence of love, if there is a lack of laughter, of elation and happiness? Would you rather lose your house or your eyes?

I can’t help but marvel at the powers of the Creator, who out of nothing created Man, created his eyes, nose, skin, ears, tongue, who out of nothing created minds capable of thinking, capable of loving. I am in awe, in amazement at the works of the Lord our God.

Yes, the ability to sleep is a gift!