the conclusion

February 16, 2006 T: 21 35

This blog shall come to an end on the 67th century. Rationale for this remains difficult to define, with time as an essential factor. The writer will thank all his readers for reading and appreciating his works, mostly nonsensical and peculiar.

The writer will close his blog with his favorite entry.

“Thrilled and delighted when she looked into my eyes, excited and panicking when she speaks to me, contented and gratified as I observed her from her actions…” It is that clear sparkling eyes that whispered gently of her intelligence and wit, the sweet smile and courteous laughter that never fails to melt heart; her voice in its hopefulness and softness (complements that careful selection of words) seems musical and angelic, lingers in the deepest of one’s mind before finally absorbed and understood. It is this very instance, when one looks through all her faults and flaws, and sees her in the light of perfection and impeccable self, awed by her ineffable presence, trapped in the moment. Yes, one could feel that very chemistry of nervousness and ecstasy.
In my reverie, I pictured her in a gown, full of elegance and grace, and captivated I was, lost in that moment of magic, stunned and speechless. My mind was a total blank except for the wish for the stoppage of time. High above, the stars glitter and shine in the dark and mysterious sky, as if somebody were taking photographs in hope of remembering this night forever…
“Never have I fallen, but I’m quickly on my way.”

a logical process of life

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 T: 20 46

Today’s Valentine, and I found myself in deep thought, whether in misery, sadness or curiosity I’m not really sure, and no doubt I have some fears of learning of the real truth. After all, it can be painful. Perhaps in the midst of what I deemed superficiality and impracticality – the giving of flowers, I have battle myself against what is known as the world, and the influence it has on me. I wish I could be free, yet I knew I’ll never be released, not in this world.

The cynic is forever questioning the concept of love. Like art, it is abstract, relative and indefinite. Truly, a relationship calls for requited love, and when read in the light of the work of God, I wonder if it’s ever possible for humans to achieve it. I live a screwed life indeed, alternating between the love of God and of the world. I want to be able to love as how the Lord has loved, yet I still eternally entangled in my own tribulations. I want to be able to be said that I’m a Christian who is true to his faith, yet I’m still struggling with the affairs of this world.

I will not stop questioning my motives of pride and arrogance, to ceaselessly re-examine myself if I have loved. For this is the commandment of my God, and it has become my desire to please him.

I can’t help but wonder how I’ll be like if I’m not a Christian. I still recall myself spewing vulgarities, leading my own ‘carefree’ and ‘liberal’ life, though ironically liberty from God and goodness means slavery to Satan and sin. Somehow, I know at least I won’t be trying so constantly to juggle and struggle with myself… I seem to live a double lives, and it’s not surprising to see people who know me better see that constant 180 degrees change of phase. I wonder which side of me is better and more well-liked. I suspect that the Christian side of me will brought in direct hatred and detest. Sigh… Maybe this double life always leads to my identity crisis. Truly, who is me and which is myself, and am I conforming myself to circumstances?

The confused self will never hesitate to query, ‘is my presence called for because I’m a member of the group, or because it is wanted.’

I wish to eradicate my worldly thoughts, yearn to be free from the emotions of life – the meaninglessness of romance and infatuations and crushes which the whole society is hoodwinked to believing in. Perhaps I shall counter all this by logic, by definitions and analysis, since I am a Science student after all.

Emotions and feelings are after all things so abstract and incomprehensible. Perhaps I am one of the finer products of the Enlightenment and find my assurance in logic and reasoning, though how it has led me to God is some miracle very much thanks to the grace of God.

Then again, perhaps it is the deviation from practicality for that someone that ironically grants it value. After all, practicality has become relative today.
It is a joy to be a Christian, because the hope of the final vindication will bring about an end to confusion and chaos.

the self-centered creature

Saturday, February 11, 2006 T: 19 48

The self-centered creature is apathetic to the problems of others. It is only concern when it ends up in that same predicament.

A week ago, a few of us wanted to meet up another friend. It turns out that the latter promptly arrives at the meeting location, only to wait purposelessly for half hour. He left alone after that and no extra pleading, begging, nor apology would bring him back. We question his sanity, his intelligence, perhaps even his selfishness, for going all the way to the MRT station only to return home. A complete waste of time and effort indeed – it would not be if only he would care to forgive and wait a while longer. Ironically, I found myself in an almost similar circumstance. I left, as simple as that, irritated and annoyed. Was I insane? Was I stupid? Was I wasting my time and effort? To the last question, it sure is – my journey there that is, definitely not the one back.

I have been the selfish creature, not hesitating to criticize, to complain and to insult, only to realize the entire truth when I faced the same problem. Maybe when we criticize, we never fail to see the speck of dust in another’s eye, yet oblivious to the plank in ours’.

I finally realize too when my education for the past 12 years have been demanding an emphasis on punctuality. I finally realize my frustration and fury of my teachers in response to the lateness of handing up work by students. A failure to be punctual is not just causing the other party to wait a while longer; rather it simply expresses the insignificance of him or her. My friend whom I have once labeled as dense must have been thinking of the hypo criticism of it all – ‘there they are apologizing to me, as if I am some VIP when they could not even be punctual for the meeting with me!’

As a Christian, I should have known very clearly to always put myself in the shoes of others, and not blindly attacked others based on my position as a selfish victim. Surely, in this area, I have failed.

Perhaps for many of us who never pause to push the blame unto others, to swear and curse and others, it is time for a re-examination of our lives. Have we neglected the planks in our eyes? Are we that blameless, that faultless? Have we examined carefully the complete picture of the issue? Even if the criticism can turn out to be fair, are we going to live our lives with eternal detest for the other party?

To do unto others what others have done unto to you is insufficient. Rather we must do unto others what we would like them to do unto us. Or even further, we must love in spite of everything else. It is only then we can be worthy as the adopted children of God.

I will forgive, not to show off my magnanimous and gracious nature (for truly I am that selfish and self-centered creature, but rather because in ways greater, and I mean much astronomically greater, the Lord has forgiven me.