living our lives

I was on the bus yesterday when a haggard man board the bus with his huge and bulky bags of used aluminium drink cans. At first, it was that feeling of irritation and despise, but soon, I repent and perhaps feel the pity, sympathising with him, yet at the same wonder, wonder if he would want that anyway.

Perhaps in our lives, often we seem to take things for granted, and living in a developed country, there seems no room for poverty and destitute living. Those sights are very much ignored by the media. Society would often wants to create a world where there is only wealth and prosperity, and poverty is nothing but an eyesight. Yet it’s so real, isn’t it, when we look at old and senior citizens cleaning and dusting their backs away, when we see their one-room flats and wonder how the hell is that fit for human living, when we look at their salary, their income, and shocked at how that meagre sum is able to pay for their upkeep. As I watch the man tugging his bags down the stairs home, there is somehow an indescribable pride I feel in him, somehow an admiration for his perseverance and willingness to lead the simple life that he seems destined to lead, even if it leaves him in a state of skin and bones. And it’s times like this can I look back at my life, and fully regret taking things for granted, perhaps even including the faith given to me by grace.

For if I do know that all possessions are temporal, and are insignificant in the eyes of the Lord, why then do I in my prayers pray for passing of grades and getting As? If I am truly a Christian commissioned to live a life of daily worship of others-centeredness, why then even I bother to pray for myself, saved for growth in the spiritual walk and gospel-work? It’s interesting the way it has been pointed out to me that Jesus’s teachings in prayer is specific in only asking for daily bread, not the securing of Christian? For surely the God of providence will grant us our essentials and if he would take us away, then it’s also to his glory and praise.

Should we then mourn of the passing away of Christians, especially of individuals who have suffered due to their faith? I don’t suppose so. Rather, we should rejoice, since he is with the Lord.

To all who have consistent prayers for their friends and relatives in their health, financial abilities, why not just pray that they will grow in Christ instead, why pray that they will come to know him? For if you truly love them, then would you rather see them condemned to the eternal lake of burning sulphur? God’s justice after all is as real as His love, and the vindication of people who have acknowledged him would naturally mean the punishing of the enemies…

insights and reflections 1

Sunday, 23 October 2005 T: 21 43

It’s been a while since I wrote. I thought I have a few reflections that I hope to share. Hopefully, it may be meaningful.



1. C-Cab Camp

I do remember walking into the LT along with my boss (the president) with apprehension. To me, the concept of having a camp which involves physical training and corporal punisihment does not at all make sense. After all, what’s has fitness got to do with decision-making in Media Resource, except perhaps the hurling of heavy speakers and amplifiers? Perhaps in my dread of undergoing torture somewhat voluntarily, I am blinded to the advantages and goodness of what that can be left in store for me. Now that I’m sitting here, I think it’s positive that the camp has grant me at the very least insights and wisdom which I can reflect about, and hopefully share it to others.

If you were to ask people the purpose of leadership, what would be the common answers? Is it for fame, for glory, for honor, for power, for leaving that so-called legacy that grants one pride? And to that, I can’t help but wonder, how useful can that be when one is finally on his death made? Apparently, coming from a world of 100% mortality, it’s amazing to see how death can make redundant many things we men have considered to be pleasures and delights of life, no matter how temporal they actually are. Likewise, how many people will remember what I have actually done? I give it two to three generations of juniors and I’m as good as being wiped out from the college.

What then do we work for? Having a past of doing ‘backstage work’, things like video, lighting, sound and lcd, which are often overlooked, where the easiest way for its presence to be felt of is probably the lack of it, I find it consoling at the very least to know that at least I do not work for fame, for praise, that otherwise often clogs up the minds of others. Instead, the objective for my work should be simply to serve.

As I’ve constantly proclaimed and declared the gospel, the call to worship is not just the call to sing during our weekly chapels and services. Rather it should be the call the love both the lovable and the unlovable, friends and enemies. I would boldly say that the presented AC spirit should not be some unique atmosphere that appears to separate us from the ‘spirits’ of other schools and institutes, rather the spirit that we are commanded to possess is simply love and encouragement for our fellow neighbors. During the camp, the games, we should prioritise safety, not because to secure some brownie points in our anxiety to win. We cheer and shout, not to gain the favor and recognition of teachers and other leaders, but to exhort and push one another, to encourage one another as we take that leap of faith. Lastly, we suffer together somehow to be bonded (though I do am puzzled how on earth does punishing others because of a mistake of another reflect truly the college values preached to the students), and perhaps it’s through that suffering, through being a follower, can we learn to be exemplary leaders.



2. The Vicious Cycle in our Screwed Education System

In order to facilitate the different learning paces of students, MOE has devised streamings, segregation of the gifted from the cohort, provided different institutes for different educations. Such, as much as it seems to help students, is still often flamed, for causing unnecessary stereotypes, brilliantly captured in the movie ‘I not Stupid’ directed by Jack Neo.

While today’s society almost condemn the ITEs as ‘it’s the end’, thinking less highly of vocational training graduates, I often wonder if they exist simply just because of stereotyping and stigmatising. For in my opinion, for such to exist, there too must be some basis and reasoning for that to happen. My point is this, ‘realistically speaking, how many ‘N’ level students actually make it to University?’. Are they there because they are of low intellectual abilities? I would dare say that there are some who are probably smarter but less diligent that the other in Express stream. The reason why they seem stuck in that cycle is simply because of the culture and peer influence students have to experience.

If you ask me, I shall suggest that for the same person, it’s much more difficult getting perfect grades in neighbor school than in a independent school well recognised for their results. This is simply because it take guts, perseverence and much motivation to not remain with the other 60% slackers, and move along with the drift; for a person who got into ‘N’ level maybe due to carelessness, a moment’s folly, or lower IQ, he has to work more than doubly hard to secure a place in college, simply because he has to overcome the peer pressure exerted probably in all directions on him. Sometimes indeed, it very much pains me to see youngsters, smoking, ingesting drugs, all because they mix with the bad company.

In a way, for students being in an environment probably made up of everyone who feels education and academics are not important, or who figure out that they CMI anyway and might as well drag some down with them, aren’t they caught in that vicious cycle implicitly caused by the government’s hopeful idea of education systems. Of course, there are some rare ones who benefit, who got into tertiary education in the end, but even so, you realise they belong often to the best classes of schools etc., where morale for studying is at its peak.

Subconsciously, we fail to see the power of peer influence. In actual fact, they are very significant, and I mean very, in shaping the decisions, the ideas, the thoughts, the maturity, and more often than we would like to admit, the future of individuals.

3. Love

Several entries ago, I have suggested that English, despite being a universal and highly commendable and recognised language, is still handicapped by its limited vocabulary. I find it quite silly to have words of the same meaning, and compromise on the other hand on specific meanings of word. By this, I’m refering to the word ‘love’, which exist in 4 different and distinct forms in Greek.

In my folly, I have presented the biblical love to be ‘agape’. I am mistaken. The fact is that the very first Hebrew, Greek Bibles included all different types of love, just that in their translation to English, they are all changed into one same word. This is why I often question the credibility and reliability of translations.

Anyway, as DA Carson interestingly pointed out, it is not easy to define and separate love so specifically, but rather by reading it according to its context, the meaning can be derived. In the Bible, he wrote that the love of Jesus is sometimes described as phileos and evil things as agape ‘e.g. the love of evil’. Indeed how ironic it is to love evil selflessly!

Nevertheless, our call to worship remains the same even though our word use can differ, that is to be other-centered, to love God, love neighbor.

The circle of trust (delicated to all who i know)

Tuesday, 11 October 2005 T: 21 28

Sometimes when I hear advices ‘to be myself’, I can’t help but wonder how much of myself is truly myself? Is much of my character and personality fundamentally due to the environment, society and religion to which I’m exposed? Is my attitude and temperament just a result of my seventeen years of past? Do I even have the opportunity to be my individual self so to speak, if even scientists can suggest that personalities and responses to stimuli may be even by a result of genetic configuration? Perhaps not as long I’m not alone…

As much as we may hate to admit it, our friends and relationships have exercised a major pressure on us. We adapt, change to fit in. The same social circle, which grants several pride of being able to partake in that fellowship, cruelly excludes the others out. The same circle of trust that seeks to increase confidence and security of those allowed in it can harmfully causes demoralisation, depression and hopelessness in others. Each will struggle to avoid being excluded, will change to suit the likes of others. That being so, are our personalities simply resemblances of natural selection: the expression of gene traits that seem favourable. Are we slaves to our own biology?

Recently I found myself torn between two, caught in the border of the circle of trust, which have denied me earlier in some ways. In that period, I have survived and lived on, and somehow, either in reality or blinded by disillusion, currently find my peculiarities accepted. And when I look at the miserable few who are displaced from this circle, or remain sadly outside, I can’t help but feel that surge of guilt, of injustice and yet gladness that I’m at least halfway across in seemingly impenetrable boundary. This is pragmatic realism that seems present right from infinity. It is times like that when I found myself in search of that true identity I’ve been seeking all the years. There I am, in my writings, distinguished with descriptions of maturity and careful thinking, and on the other side of the world, I find myself crapping and lamenting like a foolish and childish brat, gossiping and criticising like an immature kid. It’s times like this I feel I seem to be too old to hang around with myself, perhaps in my own selfish refusal to be reduced to that level, instead sticking to the ignorant arrogance of my so-called mature image, yet too young and inexperienced to converse well with the working adults. It is times like this when I find no words to speak, but instead just listen, whether it’s people of my age group or people of one that’s significantly above me, in the hope of gaining wisdom and knowledge, inspiration and information which I figured out would be precious. In my human folly, there remains that desperate yearn to hold on to the mundane world of relationships, how wretched I am?

We long to be in that circle of trust. We would not to be removed from it. Then in the same, we should not retain others outside as well. Yet can such be achieved? Do I have the audacity to declare that I am totally unbiased and fair in my judgement and relations with people? No. That will remain a challenge for me: to love those whom I considered enemies or inferior to me; to include everyone in my social circle somehow. What right then do I have to consider others inferior after all? For before the Lord, is that pathetic human intellect taken into account? I doubt so. The circle of trust is always limited, perhaps out of fear of betrayals and backstabbers. Yet if we live our lives openly, in transparency and with a clear conscience, what do we have to hide?
‘Meet the In-Laws’ and ‘Meet the Fockers’ are two very great movies. In the midst of the crude humour and laughter and fun, lies a theme on family bonding that flashes in the minds of viewers. The wedding ring is not just valuable in cost and gold and diamond, it is also a circle of trust bounded by two lovebirds indeed.

detached.

Sunday, 9 October 2005 T: 10 18

I was one those who went to the airport yesterday to send April away, one of the multitude who saw her walking into departure hall, only with a certain unspeakable gladness and joy for her, a confidence that she will return in radiance and success, and as an excellent ambassador of God.

It’s touching to see almost half the airport actually gathering to see you off, isn’t it?

When it’s my turn to leave (or if I do have a chance), I shall be gone in a blink, without the knowledge of any. Somehow, I must learn to be independent of people and like the wind, I shall come and go as I please, without a trace of melancholy or nostalgia. For I am and will account to no one except to the Lord that I walk with. I shall leave the world in silence, seeking the dream that I have come to pursue, chasing the wind I have come to claim, leaving just a world of thanks for those who have been concerned, a word of comfort and exhortation for those who stumble. I would not wish to be tied down to this temporal world, but seek that broken fantasy I find my delight in.

And somehow, I know that the world would continue as it has always. The clock will tick as it has been built to do so. One short of the vast multitude would make no difference.

If I ever do return, it would be of stealth and quietness. I would not be sad over the lack of recognition. (I rather I am not) For it is I who chose the life of the restless wanderer who is eager to find his significance in life. It is I whose chose solitaire, and it is I who is like the wind.

foolish children

Friday, 7 October 2005 T: 20 08

And so it has come to be that my promotional examination for junior college will end on Monday. Obviously, this is not Monday, but you can’t blame a person for taking a break. Somehow, I feel as if I’m carried through their period of time, alternating between sickliness and craziness, dragged down by that endless and horribly menacing notes, lifted up time and time again by songs and of course Advent Children – the movie of the year I would boldly declare.

I do not think I see a more real animation, with people almost comparable to the actual humans, only that they are too perfect to be true. Everyone looks so pretty, so flawless, even the villains, and of course the heroes. For me, it seems like a world built for me to be absorbed in, drowned in, and I found myself eccentrically crazy over an artificial female character. Perhaps for a precisionist, perfection in Man can only be found in fantasies, never in reality.

It amazes me to see how Man has progressed over time. I was watching Kingdom of Heaven earlier and once more enriched myself in the battles of the past, the rapid, violent, and ugly spillages of bloody, the labour-intensive battling ram and bridges. Yet today, such are replaced by guns and tanks, where lives can go as quickly as they arrive, perhaps faster. Nuclear weapons will steadily replace the arsenals of power-hungry countries, and the ones whose lives are more vulnerable than ever are just the average people walking on the street, trying to make sense of the world he or she is in, attempting just to feed himself and his family. Look at the physicists and the formulae they come up in order to better interpret their surroundings. New things and formulae are discovered each day, perhaps only to the turmoil of students trying to secure a job years later. We have made our lives more comfortable, or have we? Look at the computers which you are now using? Do you realise that the whole complex system is run just by two numbers – 0 and 1? How about the bridges, and the flyovers, meticulously calculated during the building of it to ensure that they will not collapse? Advent children speaks of graphics that would never be dreamt of a decade ago. Yet somehow, has humanity progressed?

Worldwide, poverty still threatens thousands. Another hundred is murdered each day and the murderer goes free. Another 30 children starve to death and probably a lot more suffer from malnourishment. Corruption is evident, perhaps exist in smaller amount than the past. Terrorism flourish, just for the sake of showing its presence, bombing tens each year, and perhaps will never cease to exist. Children and young girls abducted to satisfy the requirements of the global prostitution trade. They are frequently visited by heartless people with the mindset for self-pleasure and self-fulfilment. Governments end up sanctioning gay-marriage and gambling, under the excuse of human freedom and economic competition. Has Man become more humane over time?

I suppose the perfect world that I seek would never come, at least not mundanely speaking, unless there is divine intervention. I suppose my own life is never perfect to start with and will never be, even if history can be ignored. It, like a dirty rag, speaks of disgusting deeds, thoughts and words totally hypocritical to the identity I claim to be.

As I enter the world of competition, I can’t help but look at my notes, my grades, my lamentations about my careless mistakes in the papers, my ceaseless criticism and pointless pursuit of education for a career, and know that all will come to pass someday and fail to exist. All is but a chasing after the wind. Yet the foolish and humanly wise us would still pursue air, for perhaps in the hearts of the foolish, temporal pleasure and happiness would suffice. I took a deep breath and look at the huge stack of bio notes besides me. Though meaningless, I would still be back to the books soon enough, at least after a few glances at Tifa that is, haha.

I’m never sane, am I?