on relationships

Friday, September 08, 2006 T: 18 09

As I listen to the song ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol, there is a certain hollowness and emptiness within me. Maybe the time has come for yet another of my mood swings arises from my endless curiosity in the realm of relationships. Maybe this is an issue I’ll never escape from and continue to think and lament about it, wondering if I’m been a fool, wondering who I can confide in besides this obviously non-responsive document.

I went to swim on Monday, alone as many would be shocked about. Yet I suppose it is one of the few times that I can be in my own peace and quiet for a change, feeling my body move in the water on its own, drifting into the endless sea of thoughts, imagining once again what’s it is like to have a life partner, to have children. Maybe I’ve grown up.

I sometimes wonder if marriage and parenthood can be selfish by nature. I want to get married. I want to have a kid. Yet the promises to be made upon the signing of the marriage document or the birth of the child seems too much for a mere man to bear. Death after all comes undecided by any human, and I can’t help but feel how it seems so capable of destroying any marriage vows, no matter how faithful the husband or wife can be. We can’t bear living the rest of our lives alone, yet how many are forced to let their wifes or husbands live alone. Neither are we guaranteed that we are able to teach and guide our children well, in ways that can let them grow up to be compassionate godly people. They say we can only trust God that everything will turn out for the best. Yet look around, there are the sons and daughters of godly men who become bad. Who is to blame then? Why do people want kids, and to what extent that desire has a selfless motive?

I thought a recent MediaCorp drama serial portray the thoughts of modern men and women well in the issue of marriage and relationships, very much to my surprise because the local media prefers sending messages that are in line with the goals of the government, especially now that Singapore is suffering from a low birth rate. It shows how fragile the modern married couple is, as well as question the purpose of marriage and the lack of freedom it will result in. One character loves another, but would rather see her married to some other guy (which she herself love less) than to commit himself to making promises he suspect he could not keep.

I think I can go on and on about the wonders of singleness despite the often appalled reactions by my friends and acquaintances. Yet I still haven’t find for myself what is really worrying me. And on that Monday, as I continue to swim lap after lap seemingly unconsciously, attempting to visualize how I can be a good husband or father, I knew I can never be assured of that no matter what I can do. Do I really want to risk the happiness of another woman and possible children? Do I want to risk making a widow? Somehow, I don’t think I’ll ever be bold enough…

It is so amusing why I spend most of my entire life mulling over this, thinking of relationships… Maybe I haven’t grown up, and as I listen the lyrics of Chasing Cars, I know that will never help quenching such thoughts either…

“If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?’