a logical process of life

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 T: 20 46

Today’s Valentine, and I found myself in deep thought, whether in misery, sadness or curiosity I’m not really sure, and no doubt I have some fears of learning of the real truth. After all, it can be painful. Perhaps in the midst of what I deemed superficiality and impracticality – the giving of flowers, I have battle myself against what is known as the world, and the influence it has on me. I wish I could be free, yet I knew I’ll never be released, not in this world.

The cynic is forever questioning the concept of love. Like art, it is abstract, relative and indefinite. Truly, a relationship calls for requited love, and when read in the light of the work of God, I wonder if it’s ever possible for humans to achieve it. I live a screwed life indeed, alternating between the love of God and of the world. I want to be able to love as how the Lord has loved, yet I still eternally entangled in my own tribulations. I want to be able to be said that I’m a Christian who is true to his faith, yet I’m still struggling with the affairs of this world.

I will not stop questioning my motives of pride and arrogance, to ceaselessly re-examine myself if I have loved. For this is the commandment of my God, and it has become my desire to please him.

I can’t help but wonder how I’ll be like if I’m not a Christian. I still recall myself spewing vulgarities, leading my own ‘carefree’ and ‘liberal’ life, though ironically liberty from God and goodness means slavery to Satan and sin. Somehow, I know at least I won’t be trying so constantly to juggle and struggle with myself… I seem to live a double lives, and it’s not surprising to see people who know me better see that constant 180 degrees change of phase. I wonder which side of me is better and more well-liked. I suspect that the Christian side of me will brought in direct hatred and detest. Sigh… Maybe this double life always leads to my identity crisis. Truly, who is me and which is myself, and am I conforming myself to circumstances?

The confused self will never hesitate to query, ‘is my presence called for because I’m a member of the group, or because it is wanted.’

I wish to eradicate my worldly thoughts, yearn to be free from the emotions of life – the meaninglessness of romance and infatuations and crushes which the whole society is hoodwinked to believing in. Perhaps I shall counter all this by logic, by definitions and analysis, since I am a Science student after all.

Emotions and feelings are after all things so abstract and incomprehensible. Perhaps I am one of the finer products of the Enlightenment and find my assurance in logic and reasoning, though how it has led me to God is some miracle very much thanks to the grace of God.

Then again, perhaps it is the deviation from practicality for that someone that ironically grants it value. After all, practicality has become relative today.
It is a joy to be a Christian, because the hope of the final vindication will bring about an end to confusion and chaos.