religion?

Sunday, September 23, 2007 T: 15 21

I just found myself in a crisis at this point of life.

In the Bible, much is often said about the ancient people worshipping idols they made themselves. Indeed, as a modern educated person in this 21^st century, one can hardly conceive why they actually do so. It seems to be really stupid, especially when one reads in the Bible that the Lord himself actually spoke to them time and time again. But psychologists today may be able to point out people’s innate need for a tangible higher-being. I recall reading an article a few years back which identifies the purpose of religion. It allows people to hope, to have someone or something that they can commit their burdens to without compromising their own pride. Religion provides a standard guideline for people to live their lives, a standard which its followers would agree upon and thus be united. When I consider the rising charismatic movement which preaches about the more loving and personal God in place of the righteous and fearsome God, I wonder if too Christianity is just another religion, conceived by men so that men could be inspired by it, so that men could identify with it.

Coincidentally, it seems that many people turn to God when they are in need isn’t it? People begin questioning the meaning of life, grasping whatever strands of hope, following whatever glimmers of light when they are on their deathbeds. A ministry can be set up easily among people wallowing in their own darkness. Believers reach out through the Yellow Ribbon Project, through evangelism in regions suffering from poverty, and give them the hope to live on. Is Christianity, like other religions, just something to help satisfy people’s need for something to hope and look forward to?

What if all that stuff that I learn in church ain’t true? What if something else is true? Why do I choose to believe in the death and resurrection of Christ? Do I simply fear going to hell, fear the eternal suffering that I’ll be destined for if I ever choose to be an unbeliever? Suddenly, it seems better to be a dog. For them at the very least, death is an end itself. They never have to be concerned the possibilities of an afterlife. What if there is no God in the end? I guess it won’t matter because I would lose nothing anyway.

But I could not dismiss the fact that I’m living in a perfect world (environment). I refuse to believe that the Golden ratio exists due to mere coincidence and not a result of a designer’s vision. I refuse to believe that the difference ratio of elements and substances in this world, calculated to a very specific numerical value required to sustain life exists due to some random evolution. I could not dismiss the fact that 3 main faiths in this world share a common Old Testament. I could not dismiss the archaeological and historical evidence that supported the truth of Christianity. I did not read a number of theological and historical books to fall away (if that is possible). I did not spend half my life searching for answers to my faith to have it destroyed and given up. But something just doesn’t click, despite my months of attempts to reconcile and even ignore it.

How do you love a person you fear? It’s like Theodore Bagwell (Prison Break 2) trying to get the woman and her children he love to love him. The woman knows very well that he won’t hurt her and the children, but still cannot come to terms with his past. How do you love a person who you do not know? The Bible has stated His great love and righteous. But what sort of God created a bunch of people who have free will but are subjected to his will? What sort of God would adopt us as sons only to tell us that we are created for His own son? What sort of God would turn away from Jews who continue to believe in His existence (but not of the Trinity) and follow his decrees and laws and continue to do good? I’m not talking about the Pharisees here, but just Jews who are as humble but stubborn and loyal only enough to only believe in the Old Testament. Have you read Tuesday with Morrie? Here is a professor who probably has sufficient ‘human’ wisdom to see past the pursuits of this mundane world and inspire hundreds while he is dying. But he is destined for hell. And if I am to land up in hell, would it really be my dishonor to suffer with people like him, doctors and philanthropists who dedicate more than half their lives in helping others? And if I am to get to heaven and be good, would I be myself?

I used to be able to sing during song sessions, to be able to sing of His great love and grace when I was younger. But as I grew up, I find myself to be increasingly cynical. Things seem not to be as simple as they once appear to be. I found myself in Christian concerts with a gigantic congregation singing and praising the Lord, only to look at the rest of the people and wonder, hell do they even know what they are singing? Do I know what I’m singing? Do I understand the gospel, the faith which I’ve stood by for the last decade or so? The realization that my faith probably stems from the fear of God just confuses me.

I found myself growing tired of bible studies and sermons. I don’t need history lessons of the Old Testament. I don’t need Paul’s instructions in teaching how to treat people, relating to other people, to not end up in lawsuits and all. Because everything can be easily summarized by the word ‘love’. And the essence of love is easily summarized by Corinthians 13, and we would do very well indeed if we follow that in everything we do. I know how I should live my life, but I want to know is how I can live it! What I need is more and more perseverance!

Against a logical mind, I choose to continue in my Christian faith. It seems to be by a process of elimination, but I pray God will still open the door for me anyway. I reject the statement that Christianity is a religion. I think I will spend the rest of my entire life still searching for answers.