indefinite

Sunday, September 02, 2007 T: 10 57

For me, it really sucks to be without a destination, without knowing the goal, the end point. It sucks not to know the finishing line when I run. I suppose it’s because there seems to be nothing to look forward to. Facing a path that never seems to end, hope and morale gradually decreased. Moments of doubt appear, and it’s not before long they are sufficient to destroy all desires to persevere, and I gave up.

I realize I’m pretty aimless in my life. And sometimes, I really feel I don’t know when I’m going. I tell myself to let nature takes its course, but I’m not entirely convinced by it, because the last minute decisions often left me in chaos. It’s like cycling without knowing a route. I find myself often busy thinking which direction to turn, often only deciding at the last second, only to turn and then realize the other way might be better. In the end, I spent so much time and effort to achieve nothing. Maybe the responsibility that comes with every decision is too much for me to bear, and I try to avoid it unless I’m without a choice.

Do I really know what I want in my life?

Throughout my school-life, I never really had a specific objective. I did whatever I could do, whatever I could enjoy myself and yet not regret. When secondary school education required me to choose a subject combination, I chose something which enables me to do anything in junior college. For JC, I chose subjects that will allow me to do anything in University as well. And when the time comes for me to choose my course for my tertiary education, I choose Accountancy – something I think I’ll survive with for the rest of my life, something which I have not much idea what it is about. In my work, both as a sound crew member and today an armor technician I avoid giving the definite, only talking about the probable. I hate confirming and the certain ‘yes’; and prefer the flexible ‘perhaps’ and ‘maybe’. I guess it always gives me an escape route, a backdoor just in case. Then I won’t be faulted on making blunders, won’t be going back on my word and failing in my promises. I seldom promise, unless it’s things I’m really certain about.

In my life perspective, I try not to give a stand in issues, especially debatable ones. I believe all different opinions can be reconciled by relativism – different people, different upbringing, personality and environment – and thus everybody’s right. There is no fixed line drawn between right and wrong, rather it is just established by the consensus of the majority in that particular society. After all, the mafia regime can have as much peace and order as today’s legal democratic world with all its written laws. Truth is definite, but seldom are we able to find it, because it’s that easily distorted. I think life as a chameleon is easier than that of a tiger. The latter may be able to hold its ground for a while, but never forever, because we are not eternal.

I told myself I’ll rear pets one day, only to understand today I’m not the type of people to commit to anything. I change my mind too often. Tying a person down with burdens is no different from caging a bird. Liberty and independence are vital to grant room to change, to adapt, and fit into any environment.

And so do I really know what I want with my life? I doubt so. There are moments in my life when I dreamt about luxurious cars and gigantic mansions, others when I’m just contented enjoying a cup of coffee at the coffee-shop downstairs. Maybe I think the knowledge of the destination after life is more than sufficient. After all, while I’m not in hot pursuit of anything, God has taken me this far. Let Him take me another 2/3 of a lifetime longer. After all, everything that I could achieve lasts no longer than a fleeting lifetime.