The circle of trust (delicated to all who i know)

Tuesday, 11 October 2005 T: 21 28

Sometimes when I hear advices ‘to be myself’, I can’t help but wonder how much of myself is truly myself? Is much of my character and personality fundamentally due to the environment, society and religion to which I’m exposed? Is my attitude and temperament just a result of my seventeen years of past? Do I even have the opportunity to be my individual self so to speak, if even scientists can suggest that personalities and responses to stimuli may be even by a result of genetic configuration? Perhaps not as long I’m not alone…

As much as we may hate to admit it, our friends and relationships have exercised a major pressure on us. We adapt, change to fit in. The same social circle, which grants several pride of being able to partake in that fellowship, cruelly excludes the others out. The same circle of trust that seeks to increase confidence and security of those allowed in it can harmfully causes demoralisation, depression and hopelessness in others. Each will struggle to avoid being excluded, will change to suit the likes of others. That being so, are our personalities simply resemblances of natural selection: the expression of gene traits that seem favourable. Are we slaves to our own biology?

Recently I found myself torn between two, caught in the border of the circle of trust, which have denied me earlier in some ways. In that period, I have survived and lived on, and somehow, either in reality or blinded by disillusion, currently find my peculiarities accepted. And when I look at the miserable few who are displaced from this circle, or remain sadly outside, I can’t help but feel that surge of guilt, of injustice and yet gladness that I’m at least halfway across in seemingly impenetrable boundary. This is pragmatic realism that seems present right from infinity. It is times like that when I found myself in search of that true identity I’ve been seeking all the years. There I am, in my writings, distinguished with descriptions of maturity and careful thinking, and on the other side of the world, I find myself crapping and lamenting like a foolish and childish brat, gossiping and criticising like an immature kid. It’s times like this I feel I seem to be too old to hang around with myself, perhaps in my own selfish refusal to be reduced to that level, instead sticking to the ignorant arrogance of my so-called mature image, yet too young and inexperienced to converse well with the working adults. It is times like this when I find no words to speak, but instead just listen, whether it’s people of my age group or people of one that’s significantly above me, in the hope of gaining wisdom and knowledge, inspiration and information which I figured out would be precious. In my human folly, there remains that desperate yearn to hold on to the mundane world of relationships, how wretched I am?

We long to be in that circle of trust. We would not to be removed from it. Then in the same, we should not retain others outside as well. Yet can such be achieved? Do I have the audacity to declare that I am totally unbiased and fair in my judgement and relations with people? No. That will remain a challenge for me: to love those whom I considered enemies or inferior to me; to include everyone in my social circle somehow. What right then do I have to consider others inferior after all? For before the Lord, is that pathetic human intellect taken into account? I doubt so. The circle of trust is always limited, perhaps out of fear of betrayals and backstabbers. Yet if we live our lives openly, in transparency and with a clear conscience, what do we have to hide?
‘Meet the In-Laws’ and ‘Meet the Fockers’ are two very great movies. In the midst of the crude humour and laughter and fun, lies a theme on family bonding that flashes in the minds of viewers. The wedding ring is not just valuable in cost and gold and diamond, it is also a circle of trust bounded by two lovebirds indeed.