my confession

Friday, March 02, 2007 T: 00 45

Whenever she is around, I would find myself turning my head constantly, just to catch a glimpse after her again and again.The more I stare however, the more I wanted that instant to last forever, and during occasions when our eyes meet, I could always feel the weight of her eyes on me. I want to do something, a wink, a smile, as a form of acknowledgement, but fear always causes me to turn away.

I tell myself that all of it, this grand obsession, carried on in the face of a racing heart, a frantic and nervous temperament, has not happened. It is just another teenage infatuation, juvenile besortment, some form of déjà vu of my past experiences. I desire to seek back my rationality again, to land my feet back on the solid reality, consoling myself that it will be all gone the very next morning, the very next day.

But I do not, of course, and memories of spending time with her continue to torment me mercilessly, ceaselessly causing me to lose my direction in life. The moments when I’m with her, the anticipation, the excitement, the appreciation, the pressure are overwhelming, and yet indelible. I would feel weak, short of breath then, propelled by the urge to please her, to entertain her, and yet nothing comes out, and I hate myself for the lack of courage and strength, for not able to do the most simplest thing call talking. When she is around, I laugh too easily, too much. I do what I can to stay near her, assuming a nonchalent attitude while doing my own stuff, just to linger with the details of her person – the soft and silky hair, the sparkling eyes and the liveliness of her smile.

And when I’m finally alone by myself, I feel desperate, but sick and ashamed of this raging and senseless obsession. I remained consumed by own delusions of my own ‘happily ever after’, trapped in a spaced-out reality with the endless fantasies, besieged by the many pictures of her I have already taken in my mind.

It is a wonder how such images, such recollections of her voice, her looks, her character and her actions can do so much to brighten up my life, an amazement how they can put a smile on my face in the midst of gloominess. Maybe happiness is not just dependent on what one have, that the possession of something or someone may not bring happiness instead. Maybe it doesn’t not matter how long, but it is that instant of time that can really do magic.