the end

Monday, October 29, 2007 T: 15 48

Not too long ago, a schoolmate of my brother’s has passed away after being knocked down by a car when he was jaywalking. Sometimes, when you really think about it, isn’t it frightening to see how a life can be taken away in the very next moment? It could be anyone, the old man just waiting for his end, or the young ambitious fellow who has still a bright future ahead of him.

I asked myself, ‘Am I prepared for death?’ Perhaps I’m morbid, but I’m no pessimist, but rather a realist. I wish I could say yes to that question. But I can’t. I leave behind no will, no instructions, no last words. And if I were to fall dead right now, this diary that I’ve written for over 10 years would just disappear with the hard-drive.

People might think I’m crazy to think about death at such a young age. But the car-accident said it all. One never knows. Besides, I bet the world will be a better place if everyone lives as though as he or she is living his last. Maybe it’s when we are near death we could see beyond what we thought we might want and see what we really want, that we could see the world like Morrie, contented with the life that we have now currently.

There was this cancer charity show yesterday. To ignite the compassion, generosity in the hearts of the public, it showed video clips of people suffering through their medical treatments. Have I not witness the pain and suffering that my father endured through chemotherapy? I could not understand why the old will want that as well. To me, it seems nothing more than mere short extension of life, a temporal delay to the inevitable. I could comprehend more if the patients are younger fellows, with a longer future, with a family to feed, with commitments.

Maybe that’s why it’s better to be free from commitments and burdens. And if such a thing happens to me, I could leave the world with much lesser worries. In a sense, I do not fear death itself, but the process of it, the physical pain that I’ve to endure, the mental pain that I may have to suffer. People fear death perhaps because they do not know what’s going to happen next. They fear the unknown. I believe in Christ. I know where I’m going. I’m going to meet God. The question is if God will call me to be with him, or condemn me to eternal isolation. That once again brings me back to the question I ask earlier, ‘am I prepared to die?’

Sorry to spoil your day, but I wonder if you are too.