the walk

Saturday, May 26, 2007 T: 22 16

I was walking to the cinema just 3 days ago, to catch the last of the Pirates trilogy, yet not at all anticipating what the movie will be like. Instead, I found myself lost in the music from my earphones. My heart became lighter. There was that little adrenaline rush to my legs, to walk in beat with the beat of the song trickling into my ears. My footsteps became more energetic, livelier. I seemed to be prancing to the cinema, with that certain excitement and zeal, resisting that urge to do a tap dance of my own. I can not pin-point the reason. It’s needless anyway.

I paused after that split second, suddenly painfully aware that I’m in a world with real people around me, not my own fantasy world. I tried to contain my enthusiasm. After all, people could be watching, wondering what the hell that fellow is doing, deducing that sanity of that person. There are eyes all around. I began to walk as per usual again.

But it hit me the very next moment. Why should I even bother? Why should I restrain myself because of that several people whose names I do not even know? What makes me think they bother anyway? I should be who I am. I don’t think God would be displeased at the manner that I walk, the image that I present to others, especially when I do not have a ‘Christian’ sign tagged to my back. And in that instance of time, I felt that breath of life refreshing me. I thrive on that feeling of exhilaration and elation. At the point of time, I felt empowered to do anything, felt that sense of total freedom and complete liberation. Let the sky fall on me, and it would act as a blanket for me. I started skipping around again, did a little spinning of my own, and found myself in the cinema soon enough, rejuvenate and ready to watch the show.

Maybe this is why I like being alone so much. I love the lack of pressure. Because when I’m alone, I never have to worry about embarrassing others. I don’t have to be concerned about keeping others entertained. I don’t have to be pressured to talk, to break those walls of silence. I thrive on that freedom, the needlessness to accountable to anyone save for God and God alone. From young I have taught myself to be immune to others’ comments about me, for if my conscience is clear, who can tear me apart? For if my God is for me, then who can be against me? I’m not capable of ignoring everything of course. I am human after all. I love praises and hate criticism. But what after all is the value of Man’s approval, mundane glorification? How much after all is Man’s remarks worth? Nothing, if I may boldly declare. I can boast in nothing, except for my own disgrace, for it shows the glory and power of the Cross.

With such attitude, I wonder I can proceed far in my career anyway. Certainly, I’ll never be a sycophant. But the pursuit of that too, together be material wealth, is also a chasing after the wind. I pray for contentment and satisfaction.

It feels good to be able to express oneself freely. I know I never could dance beautifully. But I can dance, and the ability to do so is already a gift of God. Let no man be able to stop me to enjoy such a gift. I wished that moment will never end. But it’s in that short spam of 5 minutes walking to the cinema I found myself once more. It’s that during that fleeting moment, I found happiness. I laughed out loud then. I think I’m heard then. I don’t think they’ll understand, nor do I really care either.

One day, I’ll run through my school half shouting in ecstasy.